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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26079364">Blank</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MysticBloom1995/pseuds/MysticBloom1995'>MysticBloom1995</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Blank [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>No Fandom, Original Work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abuse, Blank - Freeform, Controversy, Crush, Doubt, F/M, Forbidden, Forbidden Love, Gay, Guilt, Judgement, LGBT, Lies, Lost - Freeform, Love, M/M, Multi, Mysterious, Other, Pain, Rebellion, Religion, Romance, Secrets, Starcrossed, Trapped, closet, confused, curious, free - Freeform, highschool, pastor, pastorson, sin - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 02:48:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>26,840</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26079364</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MysticBloom1995/pseuds/MysticBloom1995</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Eric Dodson is a typical teenage boy just trying to get through high school. Only he's not just a typical teenage boy because he's been forever labeled as the pastors son. Eric is the son of a very strict, traditional Southern Baptist preacher and his all American wife. But Eric soon begins to wonder if there's something more to life outside the realm of his fathers strict control or beyond the boundaries of a small country church.</p>
<p>When Eric befriends the mysterious Konnor Blackwood everything starts to change. Konnor has been marked the outcast of the town because of his "rebellious" behavior and free spirit. Konnor lives life to the beat of his own drum and questions the traditions of the townspeople. His desire to be his own person is seen as a threat to the strong moral values of the community.</p>
<p>Eric learns, with the help of Konnor, that skepticism and dreaming may not be such a bad thing. But with this new way of free thinking comes heartache and judgement for Eric. Eric desires more than anything to be able to choose his own path in life. Eric must fight for his own voice to be heard and refuse to be conformed to the mold that has been set out for him. More than anything he must refuse to be...blank.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Blank [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1893328</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Welcome To My Life</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"God is love." I was half paying attention to the sermon my dad was giving. "Love is the fulfillment of the law. When God created man he created from his ribs a woman to be his companion." I began to sketch on the blank pages of the midnight blue notebook I had intended on taking notes in. I really did mean to take notes. My head was just too far up in the clouds to focus today.</p><p>Instead I drew. "God gave Adam a wife, Eve, to be his companion. He did not give Adam to Eve. God does not make mistakes. He knew what He was doing when He specifically created man first." I watched my wooden pencil make little loops and lines with the fine grey lead. Isn't it funny how something so ordinary can bring a simple blank page to life?</p><p>I tuned back in to my dad for just a moment. "It embarrasses me when a woman is in the high role of a preacher. It simply should not be. Women should not tell men how they think things are or should be. Many of these new age lady pastors are even getting their own tv shows when they should be sticking to their cooking shows." The backdrop of my sketch was starting to come together. There were trees with low hanging branches on either side of two paths. The one on the right being solid brick and the one on the left leading to an unstable looking bridge suspended in the air. I couldn't help but stare at my own creation. Do you ever wonder why certain images end up in your head? I do.</p><p>I couldn't help but try to imagine what may be waiting at the end of each path. Perhaps it was the choice between an eternal heaven or the damnation of hell. "It is a downright shame to me that these young women cut their hair short and boyish. Women are supposed to be feminine and beautiful when they are doing their duties taking care of their household. On the contrary it is an even bigger embarrassment to the male species when young men wear their hair long like girls." I looked up and made eye contact briefly. He had been on me for weeks to get a haircut.</p><p>I glanced at my mom who was watching intently. There was no emotion in her dark eyes. It was as if she weren't really there at all. My mother did the best she could to carry out her role as the pastors wife as did I in the role of the pastors son. Sometimes it felt as though we were merely playing parts in what seemed to be a play or a movie.</p><p>Her looks could pass for an old biblical woman. I guess that's what my dad preferred. Her long blonde hair was gathered into a thick bun on the back of her head. Her dresses were all earth toned colors and well past her knees, never showing any unnecessary parts of the female body. Her face did contain makeup to enhance her beauty for her husband, but it was light and very subtle. Her nails were cut and filed, but my father believed against nail polish of any sort. "Let us stand and pray."</p><p>I stood, along with the entire congregation, as we bowed our heads downward and closed our eyes to pray. I cracked my eyes open only slightly to steal a peak of the rest of the people. Everything looked almost exactly the same as last week and the week before that. In fact I couldn't imagine it looking any other way.</p><p>What happened to originality and creativity? Everyone did exactly as the person next to them did. My father preached just as the preachers before him did. My mother stood reverently just as the pastors wives before her did. There has to be more out there. There just has to be something more than standing like robots in a church that hadn't changed since before I was born. "Amen." I closed my eyes back quickly before opening them again so no one would know I had been peaking.</p><p>Almost immediately a wave of people crowded around us. Most of them dragged my mom off to the side where they could have a more "personal" chat. As soon as my dad stepped off the elevated platform people flocked to him. Most people were satisfied just to shake my hand or smile in my direction. Some would give a casual "hi, how are you?" But it was less of a question and more of an etiquette. The answer was always the same. "Fine, how are you?" Then they would nod my way and mumble one simple word, "good." Sometimes I wondered how the conversation would go if one of us actually told the other how we really were.</p><p>***</p><p>Every Sunday my family would go to my grandma's house for lunch. I sat on the white couch as dad and grandma discussed the morning sermon topics. "You certainly are your fathers son," she said. "Someday Eric will be preaching up there on that pulpit." I forced a smile. I could never tell them that I wasn't quite as ready for that as they wanted me to be. It's the one thing I'd never tell anyone.</p><p>The family continued to talk about sermons and preachers and me taking over dad's church without even acknowledging my presence. I sat quietly with my head down waiting for aunt Martha to arrive. She was the one person in my family that listened. I always felt like she could understand me. "Eric, have you found yourself a young woman yet?"</p><p>"You mean a girlfriend?"</p><p>"Well, yes, I suppose I do."</p><p>"No."</p><p>"Why not?"</p><p>Aunt Martha walked in at that moment which I was very thankful far. "I just haven't found a girl that has what I want yet."</p><p>"Well that's a very good decision for a godly young man. Don't settle for any of these high school girls. They're all trouble." Aunt Martha hung her jacket on the rack and sat down on the couch next to me. Her dark red hair was curled into ringlets today.</p><p>"What about you, Martha? Don't you think it may be time for you to find a husband?"</p><p>"Mama, if I could find one I would." The family was always on her about settling down. She made it clear that she didn't want to. A part of me wondered if it was because she saw the way grandpa treated grandma and the way dad treated mom. I didn't blame her at all.</p><p>"Yeah, Martha, we might get Eric married off before you." I choked on the water I was drinking. I wasn't ready for it either. I agreed with grandma. They're all trouble. I didn't want a girlfriend, much less a wife, anytime soon. The only thing I knew for sure was that when I was lucky enough to find someone for me, I would never treat them the way the men in my family seemed to treat their wives.</p><p>"Lunch is all ready," grandma announced. "Let's head over to the dining room. Martha, would you would be so kind as to serve please?"</p><p>"Of course, mother," the amount of resentment in her words was undeniable. We all moved from our places in the living room to gather around the large wooden table in the dining room.</p><p>"And why don't you start with Eric? We need to fatten him up a little. That boys looking like a twig. Why don't you feed that boy of yours?" She directed it at my mom. I looked down at my body.</p><p>I wasn't too skinny. I played basketball. I was in shape, just slender. I couldn't help that my body was naturally slender. My mother especially couldn't help that.</p><p>As soon as Aunt Martha had served everyone, she sat down beside me without serving herself a plate. "You're not eating?" I asked her.</p><p>"I'm not hungry," she said as she leaned closer to me and whispered in my ear, "I'm a vegetarian." My family was against vegetarianism. They believed that God made animals intending on them to eat the meat and that vegetarians were simply ungrateful. I wasn't sure how to respond.</p><p>"Don't tell dad," I finally said.</p><p>"Never." Me and Aunt Martha stayed engaged in our own conversations while the rest of the family went on and on about something else. I was always afraid that they may start treating me more like they treated her. It bothered me that they put me on an impossibly high pedestal all the time.</p><p>I wasn't perfect and I didn't want to pretend like I was. Sometimes it seemed like everyone in this town was blank, nothing more than empty pages just waiting for something to come along and bring life to them. No one ever dreamed or thought outside the box. They just accepted the way things were and never had their own opinions of anything. I didn't want to be blank. I just wanted to be me.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Eric's First Date</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"So can I go?" I awaited the answer from my dad. My mom was in the kitchen making dinner. She remained silent leaving the decision to him.</p><p>"Be home no later than 11. Do not disappoint me. Girls are trouble, Eric. Do not allow yourself to fall for a Jezebel."</p><p>"I know, dad. You can trust me. You know Lacey."</p><p>"Women can be deceitful."</p><p>"Don't worry. I think I can handle it. I'll be home by 11. I promise." He threw me my keys. I smiled unintentionally. "Thanks dad."</p><p>***</p><p>I pulled into Lacey's drive way and parked the car. I was wearing jeans and a dark brown t-shirt. I would've dressed nicer if I had known Lacey would ask me out. I had never been anywhere with just a girl before. I had no idea what to do.</p><p>I could text her. But that may seem a little impersonal. If I went to the door there was no telling who may answer it and see my casual clothing. Then again it is just the movies. It wasn't like we were going to a restaurant or anything.</p><p>I decided to knock on the door. As soon as I did, Mr. Nelson, one of the deacons of the church, answered. I nervously cleared my throat. "Hi, sir. I'm here to pick up your daughter," I said, "uhm, if that's okay of course." He let out a breathy laugh at my quirky attempt at being a gentleman.</p><p>"She'll be right out," he finally said. "You can come in and have a seat while you wait if you'd like."</p><p>"Thank you, sir." I took him up on his offer and sat down on the couch across from him. I immediately looked down at the floor. My dad would be buttering him up and politicking right now. I, on the other hand, was no good at either.</p><p>"So, Eric, what are your plans after high school?" I hated it when people asked me that. What did I wanna do after high school? I had no clue.</p><p>But... "I plan to attend Huntington University and major in Bible and Religion with a concentration of theological and religious studies. Then I'll attend seminar and someday take over my dad's place as pastor."</p><p>"That is an excellent goal. I just love to see Godly young men like you." Lacey appeared from the dark hallway to my left. I stood to greet her. She was wearing a knee length black skirt and a pale pink chiffon top. Her blonde hair fell in loose curls and waves around her face. "Hey, Eric."</p><p>I stuttered awkwardly, "Uhm, hey, Lacey..." I wasn't sure what to do. She seemed to be waiting for me to do something, only I wasn't sure what. I reached my hand out to her to shake it. She glanced down not knowing how to react. No, no, that's not right. I bit my bottom lip trying not to panic. Finally I pulled her into a hug. I noticed her laugh at me. "I'm sorry... I've just never done this before and I'm not really sure what to do."</p><p>I probably shouldn't have admitted that. She giggled, "It's okay, I think it's kind of cute." I just smiled at her. Her green eyes seemed to dance with joy.</p><p>"So, uh...if you're ready..."</p><p>"Yes! Let's get going!" She zipped passed me straight to the door.</p><p>I stopped to say goodbye to Mr. Nelson before leaving. "I'll have her back by ten thirty." He nodded his approval.</p><p>By the time I walked out of the door Lacey was half way to the car. "Wait!" I yelled practically running to catch up with her.</p><p>"What's the matter?" I passed her up and opened the car door for her to get in.</p><p>"Well I couldn't let you open it yourself." I waited for her to get in before shutting it for her and returning to the drivers side.</p><p>"You're such a gentleman," she said as I turned the keys in the ignition. I wasn't sure whether to say 'thank you' or go for some cocky comment like 'I try'. So I just smiled and said nothing.</p><p>"You can turn music on if you want." She leaned up to click the radio on. I had forgotten I left it on CD. The song Pain by Three Days Grace began blaring. "I'm so sorry!" I scrambled frantically to turn the radio back on to the Christian station. White Flag by Chris Tomlin played instead. I looked over to see her once again laugh at me. "I'm sorry...again." I said.</p><p>"Eric," she cried, "I can't believe you would listen to something like that!"</p><p>"I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know how that got in here."</p><p>"Yeah, okay," she teased, "pastors little boy isn't so peaches and cream after all is he?"</p><p>"Because I listen to Three Days Grace occasionally? In that case, yes, I'm such a rebel!"</p><p>"Occasionally?"</p><p>"Occasionally."</p><p>"So what else do you listen to 'occasionally'?"</p><p>"I have the right to remain silent," I joked, "everything I say can and will be used against me in the wrath of dad." We both laughed knowing how strict he was.</p><p>***</p><p>The movie was okay I guess. I wouldn't really know. I was too busy being an awkward, panicked wreck the whole time. Lacey seemed totally calm and into the movie. This boy/girl thing just didn't come as easily to me. Perhaps she'd had more experience. Or perhaps I just overthought everything.</p><p>On the way back to the parking lot she walked a lot closer to me. Our steps fell into line. Occasionally she would bump into me playfully. My dad's words suddenly came to mind. "Women can be deceitful." "Don't fall for a Jezebel." Immediately an irrational fear grew inside me making me sick to my stomach.</p><p>What if this really was just an act? What made her decide to ask me out tonight? Did she even really like me? Maybe this whole thing was just supposed to be two friends going to the movies. It wasn't like we'd never hung out before. Maybe she was even using me for something else. I had no idea what that something could be, but it was always possible.</p><p>I opened her door for her once again but this time when I got back to the drivers seat, I didn't start the truck. I just sat there gripping the steering wheel and staring out the windshield. "What's wrong?" She asked out of genuine concern. I tried to figure out the right words to say without screwing everything up even worse than I already had.</p><p>"What made you wanna ask me to the movies tonight?" I could tell my question caught her off guard. She relaxed in her seat and took a deep breath.</p><p>"Well," she started, "I think you're one of the sweetest boys I've ever met. And... I think you're cute. I know we've been friends for a while, but I.. I kind of wanna be more than friends..." So she did like me. But what if she turned out to be different if we started seeing other in that way? It could ruin our friendship.</p><p>Worse than that what if she turned out to be the kind of girl my dad warned against? Again his words echoed in my mind. 'Women can be deceitful.' What if she was? How could I trust her with my feelings when I had all these fears? I didn't know if I even had feelings for her like that. I'd never thought about any girl like that actually. That was always the least of my worries. "Well I think you're cute too. I'm glad you asked me out tonight."</p><p>"So do I get a second date?"</p><p>I bit my lip and took a deep breath to calm my fears. "Yeah... Yeah, I think so." She smiled happily.</p><p>When we got to her house I opened the car door for her before walking her up the stone pathway to her front door. When we reached it she stopped to make eye contact with me. "Thank you for a great night. And a perfect first date."</p><p>I took a few moments to reply. "Even with my consistent awkwardness?"</p><p>She laughed one more time. "Even with your consistent awkwardness," she repeated. Suddenly something happened I did not expect. She grabbed my hand and leaned in closer.</p><p>Before I knew it her lips were pressed softly against mine. Her lips tasted like cherry. She pulled back slowly waiting for me to quit and walk away or to kiss her back. The choice was mine. I don't know why, but I did something I never thought I'd do. I kissed her back. Not once, but a few times. It was probably close to a minute before our lips finally broke apart.</p><p>I was speechless. I just stood there with my mouth half open looking like an idiot. "Uhm..." I stuttered, "I better go. Goodnight, Lacey. Sweet dreams."</p><p>I sat in my truck making sure she made it inside. I had her back ten minutes early, just in case. I just hoped her dad didn't see the kiss.</p><p>On the way home a million things went through my mind. Was it wrong to kiss on the first date? Maybe that was a bad idea. Was I even a good kisser? It didn't feel right to me. A first kiss is supposed to be amazing. Well, it wasn't bad, but it wasn't particularly amazing either. Maybe I was just no good at it. Maybe there was just no connection. I really liked her though. Maybe I'll get better. Maybe kissing was an art you had to practice at. Was she more experienced than me? Maybe it was just that my expectations were too high. I just hoped I didn't end up a bad kisser for the rest of my life.</p><p>The taste of cherry and innocence lingered on my lips for the rest of the night.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Konnor Returns</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>That night I had a disturbing dream. I was stuck in a dark room. It was pitch black and no bigger than a closet. I started to panic and gasp for breath. I reached for the handle but something was holding me back.</p><p>The force was so strong it pulled me to the ground. There was a small sliver of light radiating through the crack under the door. Suddenly the room filled with noise. It was the voices of everyone I knew rising up all around me.</p><p>"Someday Eric will be up there on that pulpit." "Pastors little boy isn't so peaches and cream after all is he?" "I just love to see godly young men like you." I covered my ears and squeezed trying to block the voices out but it didn't work. "Don't fall for a Jezebel." "Huntington University." "Hi, how are you?" "I can't believe you would listen to something like that!" They rose louder and louder until I couldn't take it any long.</p><p>I cried out in desperation. A sharp pain slammed into my chest like a bullet straight through the heart. Blood began to trickle out from the place in which the heart is located. What's happening to me? I wondered.</p><p>Someone was banging on the door from the other side. "Help!" It was a guys voice I didn't recognize. "Help!" I finally got the strength to reach for the handle, but when I touched it, it was so hot I had to let it go immediately. I kicked at the door with everything I had. It flew open exposing a blinding light so bright it pulled me out of the dream...</p><p>...and back into my room. I jolted up in a cold sweat trying to catch my breath.</p><p>I always stopped to get myself a cappuccino on Sunday mornings before going to the youth meetings. I decided to surprise Lacey with one this morning. I was early so I wasn't in a hurry or anything.</p><p>I turned on the radio to get into the right mood and get my mind off that dream. What did it mean? Was something bad about to happen? Maybe it was a warning. Warning for what?</p><p>The song "Where I Belong" by Building 429 started to play. It was a good song, but not what I was hoping for. I'm not sure what it was I was expecting to hear exactly. Maybe something that would just come right out and give me some perfect explanation to the dream.</p><p>I turned to another Christian station. This time "The Motions" by Matthew West began to play. It didn't really explain my dream but it couldn't have been more accurate about my feelings lately. Was I really destined to do all this stuff everyone, included myself, expected me to? Was it really what I wanted? I didn't wanna be just one more person in this town going through empty, meaningless motions.</p><p>When I walked into the room everyone was talking about something. It must've been a pretty big deal because they were all in a giant circle completely engaged in the conversation. Lacey was sitting in a chair amongst the crowd. When I walked up to her, I broke the perfect circle.</p><p>"I heard he went to jail." Everyone seemed to be whispering their own theories of some sort of explanation. I handed Lacey the cappuccino I had bought her without saying a word. "Eric!" She jumped up to hug me before taking it. "Thank you, you didn't have to do that!"</p><p>"Well I got myself one and I figured I'd buy you one too."</p><p>"Thank you!" She took it and gulped a big sip. "Have you heard?"</p><p>"Heard what?"</p><p>"About Konnor Blackwood."</p><p>"Konnor Blackwood?"</p><p>She looked at me like I had just told her I'd never heard of a cheeseburger. "Everyone knows about Konnor. He grew up here. He's trouble. He always has been."</p><p>"How does everyone else know about this Konnor kid and I don't? I know everyone around here."</p><p>"It's called public school, Eric. You don't know him because he never went to church. But you know his family. He's Janet Moore's son."</p><p>"I didn't know she had a son. She's been going here for years."</p><p>"He's her bastard child. God knows where his father is. I went to school with him. He always got into trouble. He was really quiet when we were younger but then the older we got the more he started to talk. He got in more and more trouble because he would pop off to his teachers. Ninth grade he got into a fight the first day. He never listened to his teachers at all. Then one day he just... disappeared.</p><p>"No one knew what happened to him. We still don't know where he went or why. His mom started coming to church here pretty soon after he disappeared. That's why you've never seen him. No ones seen him since then. Rumor has it he finally did something to get into big trouble with the cops. Some people say he went crazy and had to be locked up in some mental facility."</p><p>All of this was news to me. My parents had decided when I started elementary school that it would be better for me to be in a private, Christian school. So all my life I had gone to a small, strict school completely isolated from most kids. It was expensive and the academics were more demanding. It also included rigorous religion classes. "So why are we talking about him now?" I asked.</p><p>"Because there's a new rumor going around now." There was a slight pause and the room fell silent. "Konnor Blackwood is back."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. The Meeting</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The Sunday School lesson was all about judgement. Brother Jude told us that we should always leave judgement to God. It is not our place to judge or to criticize the choices of another. We read Matthew 7: 3-5, Romans 2: 1-3, and Rom 14:1,4-5,10,12-13.</p><p>Brother Jude said that we should be discerning but not judgmental. To be honest I'm not quite sure what the difference is. It seems like an awfully blurred line to me.</p><p>As the youth made their way into the sanctuary, Lacey and I made our way to the carpeted platform to get ready for praise and worship. We were allowed to lead the first two songs and then we stayed as backup for the rest. I played my guitar and sang, and Lacey sang while playing her piano. A few other youth played other instruments as well. The only thing we were missing was a drummer.</p><p>Today the first song we selected to sing was first was Beautiful Things. The older portion of the congregation nodded their heads in agreement to the lyrics. The youth and the majority of the younger portion seemed disengaged. They whispered to one another and continuously looked down at their phones. I was determined to change that.</p><p>When all the music was over I went to sit in the front row with my mom, but Lacey grabbed me by the arm before I could sit down. "Eric! Sit with me? Please?" I glanced at the row where I normally sat and back at her. "Okay," I agreed.</p><p>She led me to the youth section. As strange as it sounds, I had never sat with the youth before. I was a part of it, but at the same time somehow isolated and set apart from it. A couple of the guys greeted me and scooted down to make room.</p><p>The sermon started and I, as usual, was trying hard to listen and soak in all the words. Suddenly a folded up piece of paper landed in my lap. I opened it slowly as if something inside of it was going to pop out and attack me. It said:</p><p>DEAR ERIC,</p><p>I had a lot of fun with you this weekend. I think you're really cute. Annnnnd a pretty good kisser to say the least. Do you wanna hang out after church?</p><p>I wrote underneath the words she had written carefully choosing my words.</p><p>Lacey,</p><p>I had a really great night with you too. I would love to hang out with you... But I have a family thing. We do it every week. Sorry. :/</p><p>I slipped it into her hand as nonchalantly as I could. The last thing I wanted to do was to draw any more attention to myself.</p><p>Can I come?</p><p>She wrote back. I felt a little guilty for rejecting her. I didn't want to hurt her. But it wasn't really my choice this time.</p><p>I would invite you if I could. My dads kind of stuffy about things like that. He's not even too fond of me dating at all. But we will go out again. I promise. Does Friday sound good?</p><p>I hoped she didn't think I was being rude.</p><p>It sounds perfect. I can't wait. ❤️</p><p>Before I realized it, service was over and the congregation was asked to stand and pray. Guilt gripped at my heart. I was too busy whispering to the guys and passing notes to Lacey to listen to anything. I don't even know what this sermon was about.</p><p>"Amen."</p><p>Everyone dispersed immediately. I turned to talk to Lacey. "So what did you have in mind for Friday?" She asked.</p><p>"I was thinking we could..." I paused seeing an unfamiliarly face wearing a black hoodie standing in the back of the church. "I'll text you," I said.</p><p>I made my way to the back where the boy stood leaning against the wall. His blond hair hung over his face like a curtain, covering his eyes. Everyone seemed to be avoiding him or snickering at him from a distance. His head was down, avoiding confrontation.</p><p>I finally reached him and offered my hand. "Hi." He looked up casually. He didn't take my hand though. I awkwardly shoved it in my pocket instead. "I'm Eric." He said nothing. His piercing blue eyes held an unmistakable sense of pain. "It's nice to meet you."</p><p>He looked like he was contemplating his fight or flight response. I almost expected him to run away. "You too," he responded throwing me a little off guard.</p><p>I was always instructed to greet visitors. But.... now what? I wasn't sure what else to say. "So... are you new here?"</p><p>"You could say that I guess."</p><p>"Well I'm glad that you came. I hope that you'll come back." He kept a straight face and said nothing. "Do you play any instruments?"</p><p>"I'm a drummer."</p><p>"No way! We really need a drummer in the youth band. You should come. It would really help us out."</p><p>"I don't think that's a good idea."</p><p>"Why not?"</p><p>"I don't think many people here like me."</p><p>I almost laughed but I stopped myself. That would sound rude. "Don't be so paranoid. They just don't know you yet." He was silent. "I'll be there. You can hang out with me if you want."</p><p>"Eric!" My dad called from the front of the church.</p><p>"Well, looks like I need to go. But I hope to see you at rehearsal. Wednesday night at 5. Can I get your name?"</p><p>"Konnor." Just like that he was gone. Swallowed by the crowd of people scurrying every which way. Konnor had disappeared.</p><p>I approached my dad. He looked angry. "Let's go."</p><p>"Is something wrong?"</p><p>"We will have a little talk today when the time is more appropriate," he said sternly.</p><p>"Yes, sir." I dreaded that talk.</p><p>We pulled up at grandmas house as usual. Aunt Martha was already there. I was grateful for that. She was sitting on a swing in the back yard. I went to greet her without hesitation.</p><p>"Hey Mr. Perfect, how is everything?"</p><p>Without thinking at all I blurred out, "I met Konnor Blackwood."</p><p>"I'm sorry, who?"</p><p>"It's just... some guy. Everyone says he used to go to our church. But one day he just disappeared. Some people think he was arrested and some people think he was sent to some mental place. But he's back. And I talked to him. I didn't know who he was. I don't know what to do."</p><p>Her mouth nearly dropped open as she took all this information in. "How many people think there was actually a reasonable explanation for his sudden disappearance?" She asked.</p><p>"Exactly none," I answered, "apparently he was a pretty bad guy. He wasn't very well liked to begin with. I talked to him. I invited him to youth band. I told him he could hang out with me."</p><p>"And?" I was shocked at her response.</p><p>"Do you not understand what I am saying?!"</p><p>"I just don't know why you're so freaked out. You talked to someone you didn't know and he happens to be someone who is connected with a long line of rumors. Do you actually know what happened?"</p><p>"Well no, but-"</p><p>"Have you ever even talked to the guy other than for five minutes this morning?"</p><p>"No..."</p><p>"Then you have nothing to worry about."</p><p>"What if he is crazy?! What if he snaps or something?!"</p><p>"Then if you're nice to him maybe he'll spare your life."</p><p>"This is serious."</p><p>"So am I."</p><p>My dad opened the door. "Eric! We need to have a talk."</p><p>"Yes, sir."</p><p>"In the back room."</p><p>"Yes, sir."</p><p>Martha have me a concerned look. "What's that about?"</p><p>"I have no idea," I said.</p><p>I made my way to the back of the house and to the back room. It was hardly ever used except to play games with the family on certain occasions. My dad was already standing there waiting for me. He was looking at a picture frame with a golden cross in he middle. "You wanted to speak with me?" I asked.</p><p>He spun around and faced me. I felt like he could truly see into my soul. "What has gotten into you lately?"</p><p>"I don't know what you mean."</p><p>"Are you running from God?"</p><p>"Never! Why would you ask me that?"</p><p>"First of all you sitting next to that girl and not with your mother where you should be."</p><p>Is that what all this was about? Was he really that angry over me sitting with the youth group? "I'm sorry. I didn't think it was a big deal. I didn't think you'd mind."</p><p>"It is so inappropriate for you to be sitting that close to a girl during service. I saw you make physical contact multiple times. What has gotten into you, Eric? Public displays of affection, passing notes when you are supposed to be listening to the word of God, and then Konnor Blackwood?"</p><p>"I'm sorry for everything with Lacey. I sincerely apologize. And I didn't know that was Konnor Blackwood. Why? What's wrong with him? Everyone keeps talking about him but no one really knows why. What's so wrong about him? What happened? Why did he disappear?"</p><p>He avoided my questions. "I expect a 200 word essay on the apostle Paul... the sermon you missed this morning. It better be in my hands by tomorrow morning."</p><p>"Yes sir."</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. The Mystery Continues</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The food was finally ready to be eaten. The family gathered around the table like we had a thousand times before. Martha sat beside me, as always. I was glad. Dad sat across from me with mom beside him. The first few minutes of the meal were filled with awkward silence. After the conversation dad and I just had, I had nothing to say.</p><p>Mom took the initiative to be the first to break the silence. "You sounded good in the band today, Eric," she complimented me.</p><p>"Thanks," I said, "but I noticed that a lot of the younger members didn't seem very interested. I wish there was something we could do to change it."</p><p>Dad interrupted without hesitation, "Young people are always disinterested. The music isn't the problem. It's the way they have been brought up."</p><p>Mom didn't dare to disagree. But I did. "I don't think it has anything to do with-"</p><p>"If parents would make their children respect God's house and write essays every time they were passing notes in church, maybe we wouldn't have that problem."</p><p>"Is that why you don't like Konnor Blackwood? You think he's disrespectful?"</p><p>The look on his face was proof that my argument had thrown him off guard. My mother looked horrified. "Do not question my judgment," he demanded.</p><p>"I thought we weren't supposed to judge."</p><p>"Sometimes judgment is necessary."</p><p>"No... discernment is necessary."</p><p>He gave me a stone cold look he had never given me before. I knew I was in big trouble. "You don't know what you're talking about, Eric. You don't know anything about this boy. I have my reasons."</p><p>"You're right, I don't, because you won't tell me!"</p><p>My mother interrupted, "that's enough, boys."</p><p>From then on the silence returned. Everyone was afraid to speak.</p><p>***</p><p>I sat in my room reading in my Bible about the apostle Paul. Two hundred words was not a lot, but the fact that it was a punishment made it more difficult. I had one sentence down so far. I couldn't make myself focus long enough to finish the rest of it. It was going to be a long night.</p><p>My phone lit up and vibrated on the desk. It was a text from Lacey. I shouldn't respond now. I should wait. I need to have this finished. I hope that he won't stop me from going out with Lacey again.</p><p>I really thought that she would be a girl he would approve of. She's in church every week, she's a big part of youth band, and she's the daughter of one of the head deacons. She's a good girl. I really wanted him to approve.</p><p>***</p><p>Wednesday night came around fast. I had almost forgotten about the incident of Sunday morning.</p><p>Lacey and I were always the first ones to practice. We were discussing new music to play in service and playing around with different chords when all of a sudden a dark figure appeared in the back. Lacey looked like she had just seen a ghost.</p><p>I propped my guitar against the wall and went to meet him. An irrational fear grew inside of me. But I didn't care. "Hey, Konnor," I said.</p><p>He looked at me with a straight face. "Hi."</p><p>"I'm glad you could make it. I'm a little surprised to see you here."</p><p>"Sorry," he mumbled.</p><p>"No," I insisted, "it's a good surprise." I may have exaggerated just a little. I'm not so sure this was a good thing after all. I should have listened to him when he told me it wasn't a good idea. He was right.</p><p>I showed him where the drum set was and brought him up to speed on our ideas. Lacey did not seem happy to see him there. I probably didn't either.</p><p>I filled him in on what we normally did and what we'd been working on while the other youth showed up one by one. "Do you sing?" I asked him.</p><p>"A little," he seemed embarrassed by it.</p><p>"That's good, I do too. What part are you?"</p><p>"Tenor."</p><p>A smile crept onto my face involuntarily. "Can you do harmonies? I really need another guy voice to harmonize with mine."</p><p>"I can try."</p><p>I nodded as I turned my back to him to face the others. They all stared horrified at the sight of Konnor Blackwood. It made me uncomfortable to be standing there. I stepped down from the stage and approached Lacey.</p><p>She looked like she was angry with me. "What is he doing here?" She asked.</p><p>"I invited him."</p><p>Her tone was patronizing. "How dare you?"</p><p>"Excuse me?"</p><p>"Why would you invite him here?!"</p><p>I had never seen that side of her before. It was like talking to a different girl. "Who put you in charge?"</p><p>"What, you think because your daddy's the pastor you can do whatever you want?"</p><p>"Of course not, don't be ridiculous. Why are we even fighting about this? We have a visitor who plays the drums and wants to be in band. What are you gonna do? Tell him to leave?" She didn't answer.</p><p>I picked my guitar up and walked to the stage like nothing was wrong. "Come on guys," I instructed, "Love Has Come For Me. Colton Dixon. The chords are on the chair in front. Everyone grab one and we'll start with that."</p><p>"Eric," Lacey said taking her place in front of the mic stand beside me. "Don't you think that's a little too much?"</p><p>"People aren't interested in the music we're playing anymore. It's boring."</p><p>"So you think playing rock music is gonna fix that?"</p><p>"It's Christian music. And we're the youth band. It's my dad's job to sing hundred year old hymns, it's our job to make people listen and enjoy the music."</p><p>She sighed either in anger or disappointment. "What did you decide on for our second song?"</p><p>I swallowed hard clenching my teeth. I knew she wouldn't be happy with it. I could change it before I said anything about it. I could decide on a song we already knew. It would be a good halfway compromise.</p><p>But why quit when you're ahead? I knew that if I didn't try this now, I never would. "Gods Not Dead," I finally answered.</p><p>Surpassingly, she did not fight it. She didn't even attempt to protest. She just took a deep breath and jerked the mic off the stand. "Fine," she looked me in the eyes and forced a smile. "Let's give it a try."</p><p>"I want Konnor to harmonize with me for God's Not Dead," I announced to the band.</p><p>Those are the words that got to her. She looked at me like I had just stabbed her in the back. Her eyes held pain, jealousy, and rage. I'd talk to her after rehearsal. The last thing I wanted to do was upset her.</p><p>***</p><p>When rehearsal came to a close I felt that we were prepared. Everyone did a fantastic job in their own individual parts, including Konnor's harmonizing. He was better than I expected. He was the best drummer we had ever had and on top of that, his voice meshed perfectly with mine.</p><p>"Konnor," I said walking towards him, "you did really well. Why didn't you tell me you could sing like that?"</p><p>He shrugged. I really wanted to hang out with him, get to know him. I wanted to find out what it was everyone else seemed to see in him. Was I missing something? Or did they all just know something I didn't?</p><p>I wished I could just ask him where he went. Why he disappeared. Why he just showed up out of nowhere after all that time. But I could never do that.</p><p>He never seemed to talk much. Was there a reason? Was he hiding something? Or... was he afraid? I had to admit, I felt bad for him. The way people looked at him was almost like he was being examined underneath a microscope.</p><p>Lacey lightly touched my arm from behind me. I hadn't realized she was standing there. "Can we talk?"</p><p>"Can it wait?"</p><p>"No," she commanded. She walked away without waiting for me to say anything else. I decided Konnor was more important. Whether or not he had lived in this town before, he was still a guest in this church and it was my job to make him feel welcome.</p><p>He had a smirk on his face. I didn't know why. Did he take enjoyment seeing us fight? Maybe he was one of those people who thrived on drama. Lacey's description of him crept into my mind. She had said that he always popped off to teachers and got into fights. Looking at him now that was hard to believe. He had a dark and mysterious exterior but his soft features made him seem innocent and childlike.</p><p>"You should go," he said puling me out of my daze.</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"You should go after her."</p><p>I was surprised he had said anything at all. Much less a piece of advice with Lacey. "You're our guest. She's here every week. She knows us. You don't know anyone. I don't want you to feel out of place. I want you to know that you have a... a friend here."</p><p>Lacey approached us with her hands on her hips. "Eric," she said, "I want to talk to you."</p><p>Konnor spoke before I could answer. "Well hello, Lacey. Did you miss me?"</p><p>So he did know her. I'd never seen Lacey as angry as she looked in that moment. "Not at all," her words were harsh.</p><p>"Don't deny it." His smirk returned. He looked at me with those piercing blue eyes. "I'm guessing you have a little fling going on with this one," he said as he nodded towards her.</p><p>I didn't know what to say. I was actually relieved when Lacey chimed in before me. "Jealous?" she asked.</p><p>"You wish." She grabbed me by the arm and pulled me away from the platform. What just happened? Could Konnor and Lacey....? Did they...?</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. The Second Date</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I pulled up to Lacey's house at a quarter to six. This was our second date. I had bought some new cologne to try to impress her, but smelling it in the car made me think it might be too much. Oh well. There's no turning back now.</p><p>I walked up the stone pathway to her house and knocked on the door. This time her brother answered the door. "Hi! Is Lacey ready yet?" He turned around scanning the room for her. When he didn't see her he opened the door wider inviting me in.</p><p>"I'm not sure. Hold that thought. You can sit if you want. I'll go try to find her." I took a seat on the smaller of the two couches. I was an observant person. I noticed the small red stain faded into the arm of the couch. I noticed how the drapes hung over the windows masking the sunlight. I noticed that the shirt her brother was wearing was two sizes too small.</p><p>He was a football player. Maybe it came from a need to show off how in shape he was. Either to draw more attention from girls or to make other boys more intimidated. Which ever reason it was, I didn't understand it.</p><p>Lacey stepped into the room wearing jeans this time. Her top was hot pink and hugged her at the waist. I supposed her and her brother both liked showing off their figures.</p><p>She didn't stop to wait for me to make some awkward first move this time. For that I was glad. She went straight to the door allowing me to follow behind her but close enough to slip around her to open the door for her.</p><p>***</p><p>We entered the bowling ally and I went to get our shoes. A size 6 for her. A size 9 for me.</p><p>Once I had entered everything in for our game, she picked up the fuchsia ball and sent it rolling down the lane effortlessly. She knocked over three pins in the center creating a split right down the middle. The second time she knocked over four more. Leaving three pins on the left side untouched.</p><p>"Good job," I said, "you're making me look bad."</p><p>She handed me the dark blue ball and smiled. "Oh please. You haven't even gone yet."</p><p>I only knocked one pin over my first time. "See?" I laughed. "Told you." She just smiled and rolled her bright green eyes. The second time I knocked nine of them over. I had actually bowled a spare.</p><p>"Whoa," she looked almost as surprised as I was. "Good job."</p><p>I shrugged it off. "Lucky bowl."</p><p>By the end of the game the score board deemed me as the winner by only 5 points. "What do you know," I joked, "looks like the odds were in my favor this time." She laughed and gripped onto my arm leaning against me. "How about a smoothie?"</p><p>"That sounds great."</p><p>The car ride to the little smoothie place was short but I took it as an opportunity to bring up what had happened Wednesday night. "Are you gonna tell me what happened with you and Konor?"</p><p>"Nothing happened."</p><p>Her voice was very monotone. I knew she wasn't telling me the truth. "I don't believe that for a second."</p><p>She took a deep breath and exhaled. "It was sixth grade, okay?"</p><p>"Is that why you don't like him? Did you date him?"</p><p>"No... no, it wasn't like that."</p><p>"Then tell me. What was it like?"</p><p>She looked out the window for a second as if she was looking for a way to escape. "You know how things are in sixth grade. People are just started to get curious about relationships and dating and stuff. Well, the boys are finally starting to catch on that the girls are curious about relationships and dating and stuff," she laughed. I did too. "Valentines day was coming up and I had been in classes with Konor forever. I thought he was cute. And I was going through that bad boy phase every girl goes through at some point in her life.</p><p>"I wanted to get him a card to tell him that I liked him. So I did. I made this pink card shaped like a heart and covered it in silver glitter and lipstick kisses. Inside it I wrote a note that said 'I like you more than I like cupcakes and I think you're cuter than puppies'," she grinned and turned bright red. "I was too shy to sign it with my name so I signed it as 'your secret admirer'.</p><p>"I remember he told everyone that whoever his secret admirer was should meet him behind the pine tree by the playground after school. So after school I grabbed my backpack and I went to meet him. But when I got to the pine tree I saw him kissing Mindy Caldwell.</p><p>"I never told anyone about it then, but Konnor found out later. I had told a few of my friends and you know how it is. Word spreads fast. Knowing that he knew it was me, I decided to confront him about it. When I told him he was flattered. He said Mindy had lied and said it was her. But when I asked him if he liked me, he said I wasn't his type. Turns out Mindy wasn't his type either. But it still hurt."</p><p>I didn't know what to say. That explained what had happened at rehearsal. But unfortunately it still didn't answer all the questions I had about him. "Is that why you don't like him?"</p><p>"No," she said, "I don't like him because I don't agree with a lot of the stuff he did since then, like getting into that fight. You know how rare it is to have an actual fight around here. That fight was bad. There was punching and blood and everything. Who gets into a fight the first day of school? I mean I knew he had always been really rude to the teachers and stuff, but I still didn't expect that.</p><p>"None of the adults were sad to hear about the disappearance. They all said they were glad he was gone because he was a bad influence to the rest of us and he caused more trouble than he was worth. I'm not sure if any of them ever knew why he left, but they must've known more about the trouble he had been getting into."</p><p>"My dad does," I said without thinking.</p><p>"Your dad does what?"</p><p>"He knows. I know he does. He knows why Konnor disappeared."</p><p>She looked stunned. "How do you know that?"</p><p>"He told me to stay away from him. He said he had his reasons. He was upset that I was even talking to him. He has to know more than we do. I asked him what was so wrong with Konnor and why he disappeared and he ignored the question. There's something he doesn't want me to know."</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. The Beginning Of The End</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Konnor didn't come to youth. I didn't really blame him. If I were him, I don't think I could do it either. Not with the way people seem to treat him. But this was the morning we had planned to perform "Love Has Come For Me" and "God's Not Dead." He was a crucial part of it. If he didn't come, we would have to resort to something we already knew- boring.</p><p>I sat beside Lacey in the front row. Brother Jude delivered the morning youth Bible study once again. Today he talked on Sodom and Gomorrah as well as Noah's ark. I thought it was interesting to have both events put together for one lesson, but I suppose it made sense.</p><p>Both stories were events in which God destroyed wickedness but saved the righteous men as a testament of his mercy. The differences are undeniable. But the similarities are many. I found both stories rather horrifying to say the least. Though God had his reasons for the events that took place, most of the same things could be applied to today.</p><p>What happens if God decides that we, in America, have grown too wicked to keep in existence? He promised that he would not destroy the whole world again. But what about a country? I suppose in this day and age it isn't just America. But we are a huge part of it to say the least.</p><p>I was afraid.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Lacey and I sprinted into the sanctuary to prepare for our two opening songs. Konnor was already waiting for us to arrive. A feeling of relief poured over me.</p><p>As soon as we had everything ready, I looked at Lacey showing her my vulnerability and fear. I didn't know how these songs would go over with my dad. But I had to do something. I had to change things. People needed to be able to get into their praise and worship. It shouldn't put them to sleep. It should wake them up.</p><p>"One...," I started, "two..." My hands started to sweat as they moved over the guitar. "Three."</p><p>And we began.</p><p>There was no going back.</p><p>The youth looked up suddenly, surprised at the sounds that were coming from us. The older members looked around not sure what to do. My dad, who had been speaking to an elderly man in the corner, turned around. His face was proof enough that he was not happy. He looked mortified.</p><p>I thought the second song was going better than the first. The youth were standing on their feet clapping to the music. I didn't have to think about it to know that I was smiling. I glanced over at Lacey. She was smiling too. I thought "God's Not Dead" was a hit. Until I saw my dad walk out of the church.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>He didn't come back in until it was time to deliver his message. I sat beside my mother on the front row. I whispered in her ear, "was it that bad?"</p><p>She tilted her head town. The loose bun she wore started to fall. "I loved it," she whispered, "but I don't think your father feels the same."</p><p>"But I got people to listen. Shouldn't that count for something?"</p><p>"Your father is very traditional." I sat perfectly still staring at the blue carpeting on the floor for the rest of service.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Before we even entered my grandma's house he grabbed me and pulled aside in the backyard. "What are you thinking?"</p><p>"Doing what I needed to do. No one was listening, dad. God says, 'For as the body apart from the spirit is dead, so also faith apart from works is dead.' Something had to be done!"</p><p>"What you did up there was not faith. You didn't look like a music leader in church, you looked like you were some kind of wicked rockstar."</p><p>"I didn't want to be a music leader. I wanted to be a worship leader. We were celebrating the name of God. Don't you get that?"</p><p>His shoulders tensed. He knew he was being challenged. And he did not like it one bit. "You say all these people and bands are Christian. Do I need to remind you how many verses are in the Bible regarding false prophets?"</p><p>"No disrespect, but can I also remind you that until today the majority of the congregation paid no attention to the service whatsoever? Not only were they worshipping and praising His name, they listened to you!"</p><p>"And do you really think that's going to last? All those people who normally don't pay attention will go home and nothing will be different. I should've known this would happen. One week with Konnor Blackwood and my church gets turned into a rock concert."</p><p>Blaming Konnor made me more angry than before. "Don't blame him, it was my idea. I picked the songs. He had nothing to do with it."</p><p>"He is trouble and he has been trouble since before he was born."</p><p>I took a deep breath. I tried to bite my tongue. But I couldn't stop myself this time. "Zechariah 7:10. 'Do not oppress the widow, the fatherless, the sojourner, or the poor, and let none of you devise evil against another in your heart.' 1 John 4:19-21. 'We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.' James 4:12. 'There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?'"</p><p>He gave his counter argument without any hesitation whatsoever. "1 Samuel 15:23. For rebellion is as the sin of divination, And insubordination is as iniquity and idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the LORD, He has also rejected you from being king.'. You will not choose the first two songs of service anymore."</p><p>"What?! That's not fair!"</p><p>"You can choose one song at the end of service."</p><p>"But that's when everyone is leaving! No one ever stays after the message!"</p><p>"Exactly," he answered spitefully, "Matthew 20:16. 'So the last will be first, and the first last'."</p><p>"Are you serious?!"</p><p>"And I will be going through your CD's and your posters and anything else in your possession that may contain some sort of blasphemy." I kept my mouth shut. No good could come of anything else I could say. "I will expect a 500 word essay on what God thinks of rebellion in hands by tomorrow morning."</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Hypocrite</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>School the next morning was harder than normal. I was tired from writing that essay for my dad on top of being upset over the way things went over with the band. I wanted to change things. Not make them worse.</p><p>I was in my Biblical theology class. "What exactly is Biblical theology at its core?" The teacher was giving a lecture. My head was in a million different directions, none of which included her lecture.</p><p>My main concern was still Konnor Blackwood. Something was drawing me to him. Maybe it just the mystery. He was different. He was like a walking puzzle to me. I told myself not to trust him, but it was hard not to.</p><p>Number two was Lacey. Why did she have to be so rude? Did she really have good reasons for being so mean to him in her mind? Or was she just being spiteful? If that was the case I wasn't sure she was the type of girl I wanted to keep seeing.</p><p>She did seem softer when we talked about him in the car. She seemed like she really cared. By the time Sunday came around she at least tried to get along with him. Maybe she finally realized she had no real justifiable reasons for not liking him.</p><p>"....therefore, we can infer that God chooses his words very carefully. There is nothing written in the Bible that was meant to be overlooked or taken lightly. For example..." I felt my eyelids getting heavy. I rested my head on my hand for just a second when...</p><p>"Mr. Dodson!" I jerked myself awake.</p><p>"Yeah?!" I shouted still coming out of my state of unconsciousness. "I mean... Yes ma'am?"</p><p>"Do you care to explain why are you sleeping in my class?"</p><p>"I didn't mean to... I just... I had a long night. I'm sorry. It won't happen again."</p><p>"I will be seeing you back in my classroom after the last bell rings. Understood?"</p><p>"Yes ma'am." I slumped down in my desk feeling everyone else's eyes on me. Some people smirked and whispered to the person in front of them. Is this how Konor felt all the time?</p><p>***</p><p>Advanced calculus and trigonometry was my next class. Math came easily to me. It always had. When I was younger I wanted to be an engineer.</p><p>Today we were going over worksheets we had for homework. I aced all mine. I didn't understand how so many people could find math hard. I guess it was one more thing that made me different. I didn't want to be different.</p><p>I wished so desperately I could just learn to fit in like everyone else. I knew my dad wanted me to. People who could fit in were the people who could be preachers and teachers and get on everyone else's level. I wished I could just believe everything I should without so much skepticism and hate math and believe everyone else when they say that Konnor Blackwood is bad news. I wanted to just be able to dance through life blindly. After all, ignorance is bliss, right?</p><p>***</p><p>Science class was another one of my favorite subjects. I loved being able to ask how and why and actually finding the answers. Science made sense. It wasn't like religion where you dig and dig and still have to guess the right answer. It was all there.</p><p>We were studying about ionic bonds and electrostatic attraction. To form an ionic bond you first have to have an electrostatic attraction between two oppositely charged ions. Opposites attract. It has been said the same is true with people.</p><p>Were me and Lacey opposites? Was that really a good thing or was it a very bad thing? Opposites were supposed to complete each other. Like the ionic bonds, people who were opposites were supposed to balance each other out.</p><p>But dealing with people is a little different than dealing with atoms. It was clear the two of us had a completely different approach to things like Konnor Blackwood and the youth band. If neither of us were willing to meet in the middle, it could be a disaster waiting to happen. And I was not willing to compromise any of my beliefs.</p><p>***</p><p>History was interesting to me. Though it wasn't quite as intriguing as science, history was a worth while subject. Those who are educated in our history will be great leaders for our future. History always repeats itself.</p><p>In the mid 1600's to the late 1700's something happened called the Age of Enlightenment. This was the time period in which people began to encourage skepticism, intellect, and individuality over tradition. It was the first time people actually used logic to come up with theories... the scientific method. Philosophers came out of no where and new approaches to politics emerged.</p><p>My teacher spoke of it like it was something negative that tried to attack religion. I, personally, thought it was a good thing. As a matter of fact, I wished it could happen again. But I wouldn't dare to disagree with my instructor.</p><p>***</p><p>English was a subject I thought was mostly a waste of time. After learning how to read and write and use correct grammar, it bored me. Especially right now. I didn't mind reading novels and studying their meanings. Poetry, however, was not my strong point at all.</p><p>The teacher said that not all poetry had to rhyme. If that's true than what makes it poetry? She tried to explain it to me, but I still didn't get it. I would stick with my awkward rhyming words for now. Note to self: avoid the word 'orange' at all cost.</p><p>***</p><p>World religion was my sixth period class. It was one of my favorites. I got to study religions from around the world other than Christianity. It was useful to know those things in everyday life and on the mission field. It prepared me to follow God's commandment in Mark 16:15. "...Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation"</p><p>God did not want us in one place. He wanted us to go into the trenches and the jungles to spread His word to people who otherwise may never hear it. Mission work always drew me to it. I think I would be much happier traveling, socializing, and helping people who need it instead of being stuck in the same church with the same people doing the same things.</p><p>There is a lot to be learned from other religions as well. While they lacked many of the things I did believe in whole heartedly, there is a certain beauty in many of them. A certain hopefulness and wisdom that we can learn from.</p><p>***</p><p>When the last bell rang, I went back to the Biblical theology classroom. Mrs. Turner was sitting at her desk grading essays when I walked in. "Hello, Mr. Dodson, how are we today?"</p><p>"Fine." There was that question again. That word.</p><p>"I hope you were able to stay awake in your other classes." I didn't answer that. I don't think there could have been an acceptable answer. "Have a seat," she instructed. I did as she asked. "I expect you have a NIV Bible in your book sack. Go ahead and take it out and begin writing Psalm 139."</p><p>I hated how everyone seemed to use the Bible as a punishment. It didn't seem right to me. At least I didn't have to worry about missing a day of Bible study with all the trouble I'd been getting into lately. I pulled my hardback NIV study Bible from my backpack along with my notebook and began writing.</p><p>You have searched me, Lord,</p><p>and you know me.</p><p>This was a chapter I had memorized a long time ago. I used to like it. It used to make me feel safe.</p><p>Where can I go from your Spirit?</p><p>Where can I flee from your presence?</p><p>Now it made me afraid. God knew me, every single bit of me. He knew my hopes and my dreams and my fears. But He also knew my deepest thoughts and my darkest secrets. What does God think of me knowing things I didn't even want to know about myself?</p><p>There is multiple accounts of thoughts being equal to actions. I had never been so afraid in my life. I had never felt more ashamed. I quickly blocked out every secret I had stored away into the depths of my soul. God may know already. But I did not want to think about them anymore.</p><p>Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,</p><p>and abhor those who are in rebelling against you?</p><p>I have nothing but hatred for them;</p><p>I count them my enemies.</p><p>Search me, God, and know my heart;</p><p>test me and know my anxious thoughts.</p><p>See if there is any offensive way in me,</p><p>and lead me in the way everlasting.</p><p>Wait a minute. What happened to loving your neighbor? Was my dad right? Were we supposed to hate those who rebelled?</p><p>I handed my completed paper to my teacher. I wanted to talk to her so badly. I wanted to ask her about my thoughts and my secrets. I needed to know if we should love or hate rebels. There were so many questions I needed answers to. But I was afraid of ever letting anyone know.</p><p>The second I opened my mouth about any of it, nothing would ever be the same. There was no question in my mind that my dad would hear about any hint of doubt I mentioned to anyone. It was safer to shove it down, way down, where no one would ever know any of it.</p><p>Instead as soon as she took the paper from my hand I dashed out of that school and into my truck never looking back, never slowing down. My hands were shaking. Why was I so panicked?</p><p>I am perfect. I am doubtless. I know the answers. I have the scriptures. I am Eric Dodson, future pastor.</p><p>Hypocrite.</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. One More Lie</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>My dad was working late helping someone from church. I was sitting in my room on the computer. Of course YouTube was the first site I pulled up. Since my dad decided to go through my stuff he took a lot of my CD's. I didn't have anymore Colton Dixon, Skillet, LeCrae, Hawk Nelson, Flyleaf, Toby Mac, or Underoath. All I had left was Kari Job, Hillsong, and Casting Crowns. None of them were bad at all, just not something I wanted to listen to all day, every day.</p><p>My room was lonely. It was late but I had hardly talked to anybody all day. I needed to talk to someone. Especially after writing that chapter in class. I'm pretty sure I had a mini panic attack after school. I walked into the hallway and saw a faint light coming from the back room.</p><p>The door was cracked but I knocked anyways. "Come in," my mother answered from inside. I slowly pushed the door open and stepped inside. I never went in there. It felt weird to me. "Hey baby, how have you been?"</p><p>Her voice was so soft, so comforting. Her long blonde hair fell around her shoulders framing her face. I don't know how long it had been since I'd seen her with her hair down. She always had it gathered in a tight bun on the back of her head.</p><p>She scooted over to make room for me on the bed beside her. "Come sit down. Tell me how you've been."</p><p>"Uhm," I started. If there was anybody I could talk to about any of the stuff going through my mind lately, it would be her. "Actually I had a few things to talk to you about. I was hoping you could help me out."</p><p>"Of course, baby! Anything you need. I could tell something's been bothering you. What is it?"</p><p>The lines on her face were deepening. It wasn't from old age. It was from stress. "Oh, it's...." Again I was afraid. "It's nothing. I'm fine."</p><p>"Sweetheart, I know when things are bothering you. I'm your mother."</p><p>"I'd sound crazy if I told you."</p><p>She kicked her slippers off and pulled her legs up to the side against her stomach. "I'd never think you were crazy." If only she knew about those thoughts I suppressed way deep down. Then she would think I was a complete psycho.</p><p>"I don't know what it is. That's just it. That's why it's crazy. I don't know. I mean I guess I kind of do. It's just a little of everything."</p><p>"I understand that. You've been under a ton of pressure."</p><p>"Not as much as you," I said it before I even the realized the words had escaped my mouth.</p><p>"I knew what I was getting into when I married your father. I knew that he planned on going into the ministry. I understood all the things that came with it. I chose my life. I know that you didn't. It's harder to accept things when you're forced to."</p><p>That made sense. But I felt guilty for saying anything. I tried to be careful about what I said to my parents. Especially my mom. She looked so fragile. "I do have a question."</p><p>"Go ahead. I may not have all the answers, but I will try my best to find one."</p><p>"I'm confused. The Bible tell us time and time again to love. Not just people like us, to love everyone. But I was wr-" Oh yeah. She didn't know I got in trouble at school. Let's keep it that way. "... reading Psalm 139. And it said Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord, and abhor those who are in rebelling against you? I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. Does that mean we are supposed to hate those rebelling? I don't get it."</p><p>She took a minute to think about it carefully. "God hates sin. But He never hates people. He also never instructs us to hate anyone. We hate sin, not people. As for as making them your enemies goes, well, what are we supposed to do to our enemies?"</p><p>"Love." Of course. "But I still don't get why abhorring rebels can possibly be a good thing."</p><p>"We should be disgusted at what they are doing that is displeasing to the Lord, not the person. Does that make sense?" I nodded 'yes' but I really didn't know what to think. "Does this have anything to do with Konnor Blackwood?" She asked.</p><p>I looked up like she had just pulled my worst secret right out of me. But it was only Konnor. Why was I so paranoid? "I just don't get why Dad hates him so much."</p><p>"He doesn't hate him. He just is a little cautious of him. That's all."</p><p>"He knows something that I don't. He has to know why he left town in the first place. Am I right? Do you?"</p><p>She shut her eyes for a second and took a deep breath. What's with all the secrets? We'd never had any secrets before. Of maybe we did and I just didn't know it. I felt betrayed. "I don't know where Konnor went or why. That is the truth. Before Konnor left his mom and his grandparents met with your father about things that you don't need to know about. That's why we worry." We? Were did the 'we' come from? I don't remember her being included anywhere in that statement.</p><p>"About Konnor?"</p><p>"No. About things that aren't my place to say. I know you think your father's being too harsh on you and too judgmental towards Konnor, but you have to be careful that you don't do the same to him. You can't judge him any more than he can judge anyone else. It doesn't make it any less wrong. You also have to remember that he is your dad and you have to respect his decisions and honor him."</p><p>"I agree with that. But I have one more question." I looked into her eyes so dark they were almost black. She never looked happy anymore. "Who honors you?"</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. A New Friendship Is Born</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When I walked in on Wednesday night for band practice Konnor and Lacey were both already there waiting. Uh-oh. When I pulled the metal door open I heard... laughing? They were sitting beside each other actually smiling and laughing together. What did I miss? "Hey Eric!" Lacey called hearing the door open.</p><p>"Hey, Lacey... Konnor."</p><p>"We were just talking about one of our old teachers," she said.</p><p>"Yeah," he continued, "she never let girls and boys sit together and she always complained that we knew too much. So me and one of my old friends left a Playboy magazine on her desk."</p><p>"That was you?!" She shrieked.</p><p>He just shrugged and smirked, "Well. If you're gonna be accused of something, you might as well play the part." Those words stuck with me the rest of the day. If you're gonna be accused of something, you might as well pay the part. Hmm.</p><p>"I'm really glad the two of you are getting along this time. I was really worried we would have to keep you on different sides of the stage when we performed."</p><p>"Nah," he said crossing his arms. "We're good. There's just tension when you leave things unsaid."</p><p>"Uhm, kissing Mindy Caldwell instead of me never should have happened. I'm just saying."</p><p>He smiled and rolled his eyes. "I told you. She lied. Had I known it was you, I probably would've been kissing you. And I probably would have liked it better."</p><p>"Whoa," I interrupted.</p><p>He laughed again, "sorry, I forgot she was your woman now."</p><p>"Well apparently I'm not your type anyways, so he has nothing to worry about."</p><p>Maybe them getting along wasn't a good thing after all. "Okay, okay. Can we go back to you two hating each other now?"</p><p>She laid her head on my shoulder. "I'm sorry, Eric. But you really don't have anything to worry about."</p><p>"I have some news," I announced bringing the care free conversation suddenly serious. "We can't lead the first two songs of worship anymore. We're stuck with the very last song after the message."</p><p>"What?!" Lacy cried. "That's not fair! Why?!"</p><p>"Because apparently some people thought what we did Sunday was too heavy and looked like a 'rock concert'. This is our punishment I guess."</p><p>Konnor sat staring at the floor. His blonde hair fell over his face, masking his eyes. "It's my fault."</p><p>"Don't say that," I insisted.</p><p>"You don't have to pretend it's not when I know it is. It's okay. It wouldn't be the first time. Maybe it would be better if I just didn't come to band anymore."</p><p>It was tempting to agree with that. In a way it probably was his fault. But I wasn't going to let that change the way we treated him. "No. You're staying. We're gonna keep playing just like we did before and we're gonna pretend like nothing's changed. But we will have to tone down the songs like before. I think choosing a hymn this first week might be our best option."</p><p>Lacey groaned. She hated doing hymns. I did too. There wasn't any doubt that the other youth and young people were just as uninterested when we did them. They were just simple, flat, and bor-</p><p>Konnor shocked us both by speaking first, "How about 'Just as I Am'?" Neither of us knew what to say. We stood there out mouths half open staring at him. "What?" he asked.</p><p>"Nothing. Sorry, I just didn't really expect you to even really... know any."</p><p>"I know that one. My grandparents used to sing it to me when I was little. I like it now because it's about being whoever you are, just as you are and God still receives you as you are. Even when everyone else would rather reject you for it."</p><p>I was in shock. I almost wish my dad had been here to witness that. "Than that's exactly what we'll do."</p><p>***</p><p>Me, Lacey, and Konnor all walked into the parking lot together after rehearsal. My dad had to stay in his office for a few hours meeting with people, so I wasn't worried about him. "I'm leaving to go out of town to visit family tomorrow. I'll be back late on Friday. We can still hang out Saturday if you want," Lacey said.</p><p>"Yeah, sounds good." I smiled at her and her back at me. "I'll call you later," I said. She kissed me on the cheek and got into her car.</p><p>That just left me and Konnor. This was my chance. But I had no clue what to say. How are you supposed to bring something like that up to someone so secretive? "You wanna... get something to eat or something? I mean, I'm starving."</p><p>He laughed for just a second. "You sure? It's probably not too good for your reputation to be seen with me."</p><p>"That's the least of my worries." That was a lie.</p><p>***</p><p>We went to Wendy's. It was close enough not to waste much gas, but far enough to not worry too much about anyone coming from church. "You know, you and Lacey are probably the only nice people I've come across here so far."</p><p>"I'm really sorry about that. No one deserves to be treated that way." I wanted to ask why. Why they saw him the way they did. Why he left. Why he came back. But none of it came out. It was all on the tip of my tongue but I couldn't get it out.</p><p>"It's cool. I'm used to it by now. That's what happens when you're different around here." I felt my eyes grow ten sizes too big. Different. I was different. But they didn't know it. They could never know it. That was confirmation. Never tell them. Never show it. "Are you okay?" He asked.</p><p>"Yeah." I shoved a couple fries in my mouth. "I'm fine. So.... what do you do? I mean for fun."</p><p>"Well it's kind of hard for anything to be fun when you're always alone. I do a lot of reading. And play video games a little more than I probably should."</p><p>"Video games. Like what?"</p><p>He gave me a funny look. "You know. Like, Dark Souls II, Final Fantasy, Zelda. None of this rings a bell to you?"</p><p>"No. I never was allowed to play video games."</p><p>"Never?"</p><p>"No."</p><p>"Oh my God. You're so deprived. Who raised you?"</p><p>"The pastor," I answered. He choked on the soda he was drinking.</p><p>"Wait, what?! You're the pastor's son No fu-" he stopped himself. "..freaking way."</p><p>"Oh come on, it can't be that surprising."</p><p>He set his drink back down on the table. "It's pretty surprising. All seriousness though, you really need to play some video games," he laughed, "it'll change your life."</p><p>"You'll have to show me some one day. I'm game," I said.</p><p>"It's not like I ever have anything to do. You're free to come over anytime you want."</p><p>My dad would absolutely kill me. But the thing was that I just didn't care anymore. I respected him. But there comes a point in every kid's life when he has to start thinking for himself. This was my time. "How about Friday?"</p><p>"Uh...." He stuttered like he didn't want me to. Was he just saying that to be nice? Maybe he didn't really wanna hang out with me after all. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"</p><p>"No, actually. I just don't care."</p><p>"I don't want to be the reason you get in trouble with your dad."</p><p>"It'll be fine. I'll worry about that. You don't need to."</p><p>He swung his hair out of his face. That's when I noticed something. Looking at Konnor was almost like looking into an inverted mirror. My hair was dark brown; his was blonde. My eyes were a hazel brown; his were ocean blue. I was slightly tan; he was ghost pale. Our bodies were shaped almost the same, him just slightly thinner and maybe an inch taller to make up for it.</p><p>Opposites in looks as well as reputations. People thought I was unrealistically perfect all the time. I really wasn't. I was a horrible person. I was different. No good could from different. But they would never know it. He was thought of as the troubled outcast. He didn't seem that way to me. He seemed hurt and afraid.</p><p>It was proof that people are never everything they seem. There's always another side. There's always a little more than what you expect. It could be good and it could be bad. Either way Konnor and I were both perfect examples of it.</p><p>I had to wonder what would happen if our roles were reversed. I didn't know much about his family other than his mom was a single mom. She was never with his father. What would've happened if my mother was the one who was alone and his father was the pastor?</p><p>Would we be the same? Or would we be completely different people? Would I be a rebel or would I be the same kid I always was? Would he still be so secretive and antisocial or would he be the one everyone saw as perfect all the time?</p><p>"Friday it is then."</p>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. The Hardest Question</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I waited until mom and dad had both left the house to counsel another member of the church before leaving. Konor and I had exchanged numbers Wednesday night and he had put his address into my phone's GPS. The farther I drove the more it sunk in that this was a really bad idea. If my dad found out, I would be dead.</p><p>The GPS guided me into the middle of nowhere. I had no idea where I was at or where I was going. I never drove in this area. Siri instructed me to make a sharp left turn on a rocky dirt road. It took me all the way to a tiny, secluded house right in the middle of the middle of nowhere. I didn't even know that was possible. Trust me, it was.</p><p>I called Konnor on the phone to make sure I was at the right place before I stepped out of the car and got murdered by the same witch who tried to eat Hansel and Gretel. "Hey," he answered.</p><p>"I think I'm at your house," I said waiting for him to say 'no, you're not'. But he didn't. Instead he opened the door and walked out onto the porch.</p><p>"Yep. That's you," he said. I hung up and went to join him. "Come on," he opened the door and went back inside, "it's not that scary on the inside I promise." I was glad he thought it was a little creepy out here too. I didn't feel so bad for thinking it.</p><p>I followed him into the house and looked around. There was a TV against the wall and a dark blue couch across from it. That was the only furniture that occupied the living room. It was really the only things that would fit. The kitchen was connected to the living room. It was small too. Barely enough room for just one person to have space to cook or to move around. There was a door with a plastic handle mimicking a round diamond to the right of the TV.</p><p>He reached for it and turned the knob. "This is my room." I followed him in. His room was barely any bigger than the tiny kitchen. His bed was against the wall in the corner of the room and there was a bean bag chair beside it, right underneath the rectangular shaped window. He had a bigger TV than the one in the living room with an Xbox sitting next to it.</p><p>He picked up two controllers and handed me one. He turned the Xbox on and sat in the beanbag chair. "You can just sit on the bed." I hesitated for a moment. "I mean, you can sit on the floor if you want to, but it's not very conformable," he joked. I took a spot on the bed as the intro to Zelda started playing.</p><p>The game was surprisingly fun. It wasn't what I expected from a video game. It was actually pretty interesting. I really liked this one. It was one player game so I was playing and he was walking me through it.</p><p>After just a few minutes of playing he got up and walked to a CD player he had in the corner. "What do you listen to?" He asked.</p><p>I shrugged. "Whatever." He pulled a CD off a shelf and stuck it in. The song was hard rock. I enjoyed it quite a bit. I missed my rock music.</p><p>At first I wasn't paying much attention to the lyrics. Until a string of words seemed to jump out at me.</p><p>Diligently thinking of ways to get out of this god awful place</p><p>I have learned that my fate is something I can't escape so</p><p>Sound the alarm, what I've said from the start</p><p>Is I'll never let your system break me down or tear me apart.</p><p>Was I letting the system break me down? I refused to let any of this tear me apart. I am stronger than that. "What is this?" I asked curiously.</p><p>"Raised By Wolves, Falling In Reverse," he said.</p><p>Before either of us could say any thing else, the sound of the door opening echoed throughout the house. He jolted out of the room to check it out.</p><p>I set the controller down on the bed beside me. The house was so small I could hear everything they were saying. "Mom, what are you doing here?" It must've been Miss Janet getting home.</p><p>"I just... I wanted to... I decided to come home early." She was stuttering heavily.</p><p>"Mom!" I heard him yell. "You need to go and lay down."</p><p>"No baby, I'm... I'm fine. I wanted to see you," She begged.</p><p>"I have company. You need to lay down."</p><p>"Oh!" She exclaimed, "I'll just say hi."</p><p>"No, mom. That's not..." She had already entered his room before he could even finish.</p><p>She had blonde hair like his but it was dark around the top and underneath. Her cheeks were sunken in. She was skin and bones. Her green eyes were bloodshot and dead looking with dark bags underneath. They had no expression. They didn't even focus. They were like glass.</p><p>She hardly looked like a human being. I had seen her at church before plenty of times. She looked like a whole new person now. She smiled at me with a slow smile that looked like it belonged to a psycho killer in a horror movie, just before they kill. "Eric Dodson," she said in slow motion. "How lovely to see you here."</p><p>I smiled back at her. "Thank you. I'm glad I could come."</p><p>She smiled a long drawn out smile again. Konnor rested his hands gently on her shoulders and guided her back out of the room. She went along with it without protest, keeping the same blank expression on her face.</p><p>As soon as they were both out of my sight I heard another door open. It must've been the door to her bedroom. I heard shuffling through the thin walls and a few faint noises from her. Then he appeared back in the door frame of his room.</p><p>"Let's go for a walk," he said clearly anxious to get out.</p><p>I nodded in agreement. "Okay." He reached for his black hooded jacket that was laying across the foot of the bed.</p><p>The air outside was cool and moist. It was drizzling just a little and the sun was hidden behind the grey clouds. Every now and then I would feel a cold, wet droplet land on my nose or on my cheek.</p><p>He stayed a half a step ahead of me showing me where to go. We walked for what seemed like forever and everything still looked exactly the same. If he wanted to kill me, now would be the perfect time.</p><p>He stopped suddenly almost causing me to run into the back of him. We were on a hill. There was nothing else around as far as you could see or hear except a little stream just at the bottom of the hill we were standing on. "Whoa," I said. "How did you find this place?"</p><p>He shrugged. "I was pissed off one day. I just decided to go for a walk to get away from everything. Eventually I found this. It's been my favorite place to be ever since." He sat down in the grass and pulled his knees up against his chest.</p><p>"I can see why. It's so peaceful. I kind of just wanna bring a notebook out here and sketch." He laughed.</p><p>I sat down in the grass beside him. "It's a good place to get away when you need to cool down." He gave me a side ways glance. "I know you're different."</p><p>Panic gripped my chest. I don't know why that scared me so badly, but it did. It was like he could read my mind. And that was something I could never let happen. "Well everyone's different," I said trying to cover up my own differentiations.</p><p>"You know what I mean." Did I?</p><p>"Different from my dad and the mindless zombies that run things around here? I guess I am."</p><p>He pulled his solid black hood over his head to shield himself from the drizzle. "You can't hide it with me. It's in my DNA to look through the bullshit to see people for who they really are. It's a gift and curse. And you, Eric Dodson, are not who you say you are."</p><p>"I'm just me."</p><p>He looked me straight in the eye and asked the hardest question anyone has ever asked me. "Who are you?"</p><p>I opened my mouth to speak, but the only things that came to my mind were ... blank.</p>
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<a name="section0012"><h2>12. I'm Not Okay</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When I finally got home, it was late. My parents still weren't home yet so I was relieved. Lacey and I were supposed to hang out tomorrow. She wanted me to have dinner at her house. The big question of the night was the following. What should I wear?</p><p>I dug in my closet for something nice, but not too nice. I didn't want it to seem like I was trying too hard to impress them, but I did want them to know that I was respectful. I picked out a pair of black pants and a button up shirt. That should do.</p><p>When she called me the day of our date, I felt sick to my stomach. Maybe it was from the nerves. I hoped it was from the nerves. I couldn't be sick today. It wasn't an option.</p><p>Walking up those steps brought back memories. I still remember how her lips felt against mine when she kissed me goodnight. We hadn't kissed again since that night except on the cheek. I always felt like she was waiting for me to do it, but I was just too shy.</p><p>Being shy is a curse. It's like having a disease that keeps holding you back. No matter how hard you try to fight it, it's always there in the back of your mind.</p><p>I knocked on the door and waited. I heard the sound of heels clanking against the wood floor. I took a minute to be thankful that I decided to dress up. Her brother answered the door again. Even though he was dressed up as well, his clothes were still about two sizes too small. The sick feeling came back out of nowhere.</p><p>Lacey skipped over to hug me. She was wearing a short light pink dress with long, frilly sleeves and silver heels. She had to stand on her tip toes to get her arms around my neck to hug me. She kissed me on the cheek again. "Is everything you own pink?" I whispered in her ear.</p><p>"Not everything," she smiled, "just my favorites." She took my hand and led me into the dining room. It was a big open space complete with a crystal chandelier in the center of the high ceiling and a huge window showcasing the beautiful landscaping outside.</p><p>Her dad greeted me and shook my hand. "How are you doing this weekend, Eric?"</p><p>"Great, how about yourself?"</p><p>"Can't complain." He smiled. Her mom was in the kitchen tossing a salad. There was other food set out on the counter top already. Her brother stole a piece of chicken off one of the white serving plates. I shut my eyes for a second fighting the urge to vomit.</p><p>"Are you okay?" Lacey asked still holding my hand.</p><p>"Yes," I assured her, "I'm perfect." I took a deep breath trying to get rid of the nausea. I hadn't eaten in a while. Maybe I was just hungry. I told myself it would get better after I ate something.</p><p>It didn't. In fact it got worse. Her brother was sitting across for me. Every time I looked at him I felt sicker. He was a football player who could put away some food.</p><p>The diner was nice overall. There was plenty of good food and lots of small talk among me and her family. Even after we had all finished eating, we remained at the table for more casual conversation. Her mom made a joke asking her father what was for dessert. Lacey jumped in. "Me and Eric could go get something!"</p><p>They decided to take her up on the offer. "Is that okay with you?" Lacey asked.</p><p>"Yeah," I said, "that's fine." Her mom handed her a credit card and then we were on our way back to my truck. "You seemed anxious to get out of there," I said smiling at her as I shut her door.</p><p>When I reached the drivers side she replied, "Well I needed you to myself for a few minutes." I just laughed. Truthfully I was glad to get out for a while myself. I just hated awkward situations. I wasn't as much of a people person as my dad was. Not nearly as much as he wanted me to be either.</p><p>"I wanna show you something," she said.</p><p>"Okay. What is it?" She told me where to go and which places to turn until we came out to rocky road.</p><p>"Stop here." I didn't see anything around. I didn't know why she'd want me to stop. But I did. She jumped out of the car motioning for me to follow her. "Look," she said pointed to something in the distance.</p><p>"Whoa," I said finally realizing what she waned to show me. There was a little pier leading to the center of a large body of water. It was rocky on the shore and there were trees in the distance on either side. It was getting dark now so there was only a faint glow of orange sunlight peeking behind the clouds.</p><p>I followed her to the end of the pier. We were surrounded by deep, black looking water. Suddenly it was like living in a dream. I didn't feel awake. She stood on her tiptoes again and threw her arms around my neck pulling me close. I had to lean down a little to be at eyes level with her. Her bleach blonde hair seemed to glow under the orange and pink clouds mixed with the darkness of nightfall. "It's beautiful," I said. "You're beautiful."</p><p>She pulled me closer and pressed her lips against mine again. It was the first real kiss we'd shared since our first date. I wrapped my arms around her waist.</p><p>The nauseous feeling in my stomach came back. Butterflies? Maybe. What else could it be?</p><p>"You're such a good kisser," she whispered through heavy breathes just before going back for seconds. I didn't feel the same. I felt like I was awkward. I still didn't know what I was doing. It still didn't feel just right.</p><p>I'm not sure how I imagined it. I had nothing to compare it to but the kind in the movies. I guess fairytale kisses didn't exist in real life. At least not the kind I imagined. The ones that made you weak in the knees and made you melt into the other person involuntarily.</p><p>Her nose rubbed against mine softly as she moved her head to the right causing me to move mine to the left. And as soon as we did, our lips connected again. And then again. And again. I had to wonder if she felt that fairytale sensation.</p><p>A lot of kissing and a couple of tongue slips later, I pulled away finally. "Hey," I whispered with my lips still close to her. "We should go. Your parents are gonna start getting suspicious."</p><p>She kissed me one more time before she backed away. "Okay. Let's go." I took her by the hand and walked with her back to the truck, where I opened and closed her door.</p><p>We picked out a simple, chocolate cake at the grocery store and managed to get back to her house in decent time. They didn't seem suspicious. Of course I had to wipe the pink lipstick off my lips before getting out of my truck.</p><p>I did have a pretty good time with her family. They were good people and they seemed to like me. If they didn't, they were experts at faking it. And spending those few minutes with Lacey was nice too. But I had to admit, I was glad to be home.</p><p>The first thing I did when I got to my house was run to the bathroom and throw up. Then I just sat there on the floor and threw my head back against the wall. I felt so sick.</p><p>I didn't want to leave the bathroom because I didn't want to see my parents right now. I just wanted to be alone.</p><p>I forced myself up. I had to regain balance to stand without falling. My whole body was shaking. I must really be sick. But church was in the morning. If I told my dad I couldn't go, he'd just blame it on Lacey.</p><p>I crawled into bed still shaking. Everything seemed to hit me at once as tears of confusion threatened to fall. I fought them back.</p><p>I'm fine. I told myself. I'm just tired. And I'm sick. I'll be fine. I'm fine. I am fine. I'll be okay. I'm okay. I am okay. I'm not okay.</p>
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<a name="section0013"><h2>13. The Plunge</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I tossed and turned all night. At some point I fell into a deep sleep. Eventually I slipped into dreamland.</p><p>Konnor and I were playing video games in his room. We were laughing and seemed to be having a good time. He was wearing black skinny jeans and his black hoodie which was pulled over his eyes. All you could see was black. He was like some mysterious, dark figure who was hiding behind his hood. He didn't want me or anyone else to see him.</p><p>There was a mirror in the corner. I walked to it. I could see his reflection accurately looking back at him. A curved frown and a black hoodie. But when I approached it, I wasn't there. I pressed my hand against it trying to find my own reflection. It never appeared.</p><p>Suddenly it shattered. Broken glass went everywhere. I closed my eyes trying to shield them from the glass. When I opened them again, I was with Lacey on the pier. I took her by the hand and kissed her on the lips. She wrapped her arms around me and looked down into the water. As soon as she did, she gasped.</p><p>"What is it? What's wrong?!" I asked. She pointed down to the water. Her reflection was there. Mine was not.</p><p>Then I was in church standing on the pulpit delivering a sermon about hypocrisy. Everyone was nodding and agreeing saying "Yes!" But inside I was screaming 'No!'. I felt sick. I felt like throwing up, but I couldn't. I couldn't leave. I couldn't make myself stop preaching. I had no control.</p><p>Everything around me changed. I was walking in a park with Lacey. Her hand was in mine. I was wearing a suit. She was wearing a knee length pink and white floral sun dress. Before I even realized what was going on, the next thing I heard myself say was.. "Marry me."</p><p>I was in the passenger seat of a car. Konnor was driving way too fast. The car just kept accelerating. "You're crazy!" I screamed.</p><p>"So are you." He accused. I reached for the car door to jump before he hit something and we were both killed instantly. It was locked. There was no way out. I was trapped. "I know your secret!" He said above the noise.</p><p>"No, you don't." I was still trying to fight my way out of the car. I didn't want to be stuck. I needed to be free.</p><p>"Just say it. I already know."</p><p>"You're lying!" I unbuckled my seat belt and crawled to the back of the car trying both doors. I had to get out of there. "Stop!" I pleaded.</p><p>He pressed his foot against the gas harder. "Say it, Eric! Just admit it and we can get out of here!"</p><p>"I'm not gonna say anything! I don't have a secret!"</p><p>We were approaching a split. One curve to the left. The other curve to the right. "Last chance, Eric. If you go down, you're taking me down with you. Say it!"</p><p>"No!" He grabbed the steering wheel yanking it to the right throwing me against the back window. I closed my eyes from impact. I heard the crash. Then I went blank.</p><p>The scene changed again. I was in my house. I heard crying coming from my room. I pushed the door open slowly. My mom was sitting on my bed crying. What was she crying for? I walked over to her and touched her lightly on the shoulder. She didn't even look up. "Mom...."</p><p>I woke up gasping for air. It was early. But there was no way I could go back to sleep after that dream. My palms were sweaty. I was shaking harder now because of the dream, but the nausea wasn't quite as bad. I decided to go ahead and take a hot shower. Maybe it would make me feel better.</p><p>It did help a little. By the time I finished showering and doing my hair, my mom was already in the kitchen. I couldn't shake the image in my head. The one of her crying on my bed. "Hey baby, you want some breakfast?" She asked.</p><p>"No thanks. I'm not feeling too good. I think I'm just gonna go ahead and go early."</p><p>"Well are you okay?" She put a hand on my forehead. "You feel warm."</p><p>"I'll be fine," I said. I hated that word.</p><p>"Are you sure? Why don't you at least take something before you leave?"</p><p>"No. I'm okay. I promise." I'm not okay.</p><p>I went back to my room to finish getting dressed. I sent Lacey a good morning text. I decided against getting coffee today. That was the last thing that sounded good to me. I couldn't even take the thought of having to smell it in the car with me.</p><p>I wasn't surprised to see that Lacey and I got there at the same time. "Sorry I didn't get coffee today. I don't feel great."</p><p>"What's wrong?" She leaned on me just a little.</p><p>"I don't know. Probably just a little bug. I'm sure it'll go away soon. If you start feeling sick though... I'm sorry. It's probably my fault."</p><p>She giggled. "It's okay. It was worth it."</p><p>People began getting there one by one. But not Konnor. I'd had enough of him being watched and rejected here. He was a youth. He should be here. He should be a part of it. "I'll be back," I said surprising even myself.</p><p>"Where are you going?" She asked.</p><p>"To get Konnor."</p><p>I pulled up on the rocky, dirt road in the middle of the middle of nowhere once again. I walked up the steps of the porch and knocked on the door. Behind the door was chaos. Maybe I shouldn't be here right now. I probably should just leave...</p><p>"You have to listen to me! Come on, get up. Come on, mom. I'm making you something to eat, you just have to get up."</p><p>"What's the point?"</p><p>"You know what the point is! I'm not losing this house too because of you!"</p><p>"Stop talking to me like that! I am your mother!"</p><p>"Than act like it!"</p><p>I could never imagine talking to my mom that way. What did he mean he's not losing that house too? What's going on? I knocked once again.</p><p>I heard more shuffling going on from inside the house before Konnor pulled the door open. He looked stunned. His blonde hair was a mess. Today he wore bleached out jeans and a red t-shirt. He didn't have his black hoodie on. Somehow it made him look friendlier. "Wh-" he stuttered. "What are you doing here?"</p><p>"I was in youth and I didn't think it was right that you weren't there. I thought I'd come get you so maybe it'd be easier to go if you had someone to go with. If you're busy though... it's okay, you don't have to."</p><p>"Uh.... no. No, I'd hate for you to drive all the way here for nothing. Give me a few minutes to change. Breakfast is almost done if you want some. Come on in and sit down. It's a mess, but you can just throw whatever's in your way on the floor. It'll be fine."</p><p>He went to the kitchen to grab something and I tried to scoot a pile of clothes over to make room for myself on the couch. It looked like a completely different place from the one I had visited on Friday. Did something happen? On his way back to his room, he saw me moving the pile over. He picked up a handful and threw it on the floor. "It's fine. I promise."</p><p>When he finally came out of his room, he went straight to his moms without saying a word. I heard more groans and sounds of things being thrown around the room. I'm almost sure I heard her throwing up when he opened the door again. Maybe that's where I got this virus.</p><p>"Hungry?" He asked.</p><p>"Not really. I've been feeling a little nauseous."</p><p>"Here," he handed me a piece of toast. "Have some toast. Get something plain and dry in your stomach. It might help a little." I took it from him and stood as he grabbed his keys and shoved them in his pocket. "Ready?"</p><p>"Yeah," I said swinging the door open. His black hoodie was laying on the back of the couch. He started to reach for it but I stopped him. "It's not cold anymore." He looked at it hesitantly. I waited for him to grab it anyways and throw the hood over his eyes, but he didn't. He chose to leave it and walk away.</p><p>I walked out onto the porch as he knocked on his moms door one more time. "Mom! One hour!" And then he shut and locked the door. "You sure you wanna do this?" He asked me, knowing how big of a risk I was taking.</p><p>"Yes. Some things are worth breaking the rules for."</p><p>We walked up to the youth room together and stood outside the door. "Ready?" I asked. He had never been here before.</p><p>He breathed in and then back out. "Ready." I took a long, deep breath myself and pulled the door open wide.</p><p>Every pair of eyes turned around and stared. Every set of lips gasped. And one blonde haired, green eyed girl named Lacey smiled and said, "Hey, Konnor!"</p>
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<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Konnor and I walked in silently and sat beside Lacey. "Thanks, Lacey." I whispered. She just smiled at me.</p><p>Brother Jude cleared his throat, smiled in Konnor's direction and continued on with the lesson. He spoke on mistakes. "It is obvious that nobody is perfect, as even our very own international pop star Miss Hannah Montana pointed out," he said as a giggle erupted from the crowd, "we will all make mistakes. The problem is that many people make these mistakes and then start to feel like they aren't good enough for God to use. And that is an example of a lie of Satan."</p><p>It was hard to focus with everyone sneaking short stares at Konnor and I. His head was down. I bet he wished he had his hoodie. I wished I had one now too. "The truth of the matter is that no matter what we've done, God can and will restore us so that we can serve and honor Him again." Does that mean you can't honor God if you're still broken?</p><p>"All we have to do is accept restoration. We have to confess in our sins and our failures, repent and truly mean it, and turn away from those sins." Just for a split second I thought I saw a tear forming in Konnor's eye. Just as quickly as I saw it, it was gone. "There are different kinds of guilt mentioned in the Bible. One good and one bad.</p><p>"There is healthy guilt that comes from our conscious. This is the guilt that tells us that we've done something wrong. When we lie to someone we love, we will feel guilt until we come clean about it and/or ask for forgiveness.</p><p>"And then there is guilt that comes from Satan. This is the guilt that stays with us even after we have repented and made things right to the best of our abilities. It is the kind of guilt that makes us feel unworthy and hopeless. It will invade your life and make you feel like you are not worthy of God's love."</p><p>Just then the door to the youth room opened. Everyone turned in its direction to see who was standing on the other side. It was my dad.</p><p>"Morning Pastor Dodson!" Brother Jude called. My dad did not retaliate with a greeting.</p><p>He simply said, "I'd like to have a word with you out in the hall, please, Brother Jude."</p><p>The moment both stepped out of the room, the gossip started. Whispers filled the silence quickly. My palms began to sweat uncontrollably as I forced my eyes down, ignoring the stares burning into my flesh.</p><p>I felt like throwing up. Lacy grabbed my hand. Konnor whispered in my ear. "Do you understand now?"</p><p>I gulped. "Yes," I answered. I felt as if my very solid foundation had just cracked and shattered beneath my feet. This place that I had always found security in now felt like a cage. I had always been so confident that people who claimed they felt judged here were simply paranoid. I finally got it.</p><p>When you realize that your safe space may be a place of shame and judgement for someone else, it rocks your world. Especially when that table gets turned on you. I just need out.</p><p>Just then the door opened again. Brother Jude walked inside looking ghostly pale. "Quiet, quiet, that's enough." He said to the others. It didn't help. They kept on. The voices grew louder and louder.</p><p>"I bet you know all about guilt, don't you, Konnor? What'd you do anyways?"</p><p>"Is it true you went to jail?"</p><p>"How long did they keep you locked up in the crazy house?"</p><p>Konnor never flinched. Never made a sound. I on the other hand could not be still. "That's enough," threatened brother Jude. More laughter broke out. Everything was almost in slow motion, all going by in a blur.</p><p>"Be careful who your friends are, Eric. It'd be a shame to see you disappear too."</p><p>"I bet you know all about what he did, don't you, Eric?"</p><p>Eric. Eric. Eric. Konnor. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Konnor. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric.</p><p>Eric. "Are you okay?" Eric.</p><p>Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric.. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. "Eric."</p><p>Eric. Eric. Eric.. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. Eric. "Eric!"</p><p>Blank.</p><p>***</p><p>I woke up in my dad's office. My mom was sitting in a chair in the corner of the room. "Thank God you're okay!" She said as she jumped up. She put her hand on my forehead. "What on earth happened?"</p><p>"I'm not sure. I just blacked out I guess."</p><p>"You're going to the doctor first thing tomorrow. I should've made you stay home to rest. I knew you didn't look too good."</p><p>"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I'm okay. I don't know what happened."</p><p>She looked so concerned. So exhausted. All this stress must be taking a toll on her. I hated adding to it. "I think we should go ahead back home. What do you think?"</p><p>"Actually I... Where's Konnor?"</p><p>"He's waiting in the hallway. After you passed out he refused to go back without making sure you were okay."</p><p>"I can't leave without him. He rode with me. I picked him up."</p><p>"I don't want you driving right now."</p><p>"Let me talk to him." She nodded as I got up and headed to the hallway.</p><p>Konnor was sitting against the wall with his head in his hands and his legs pulled against him. His long blonde hair and long legs were all you could see of him.</p><p>I sat down beside him. "Hey, Konnor."</p><p>He picked his head up for the first time. "Are you okay? What happened in there?"</p><p>"I don't know.... I think I had some kind of panic attack or something. I just freaked out."</p><p>"It's my fault."</p><p>"No, it's not. I just don't know how you do it. How you hold yourself together through all that."</p><p>He shrugged. "You can go if you need to... I understand. You need to rest. I can ride home with mom."</p><p>"I don't wanna leave you here when I'm the one who made you come."</p><p>"I'll be fine."</p><p>"Are you sure?"</p><p>"I'm fine." That's when I knew for sure that he absolutely was not fine. Nobody is ever fine when they use that word. But what choice did I have?</p><p>"Okay," I said as I walked away.</p><p>***</p><p>"What are you trying prove going behind my back like that?"</p><p>"I invited someone to church, dad."</p><p>"No, you are acting rebellious and defiant and you are choosing to do it in such a way that can be turned back around on me. You know very well how I feel about Mr. Blackwood. Yet you continue to disobey me."</p><p>I wasn't in the mood to argue with him. I didn't feel like putting up another fight. "No disrespect, but if it comes down to listening to you and doing what I think is right, I'm going to do what I think is right."</p><p>My mom called for the two of us from the living room. He turned to walk out of the room. "This conversation is not over," he threatened. I don't think I've ever loved my mom any more than I did in that moment.</p><p>I was relieved that being genuinely sick gave me a ticket to stay home from church tonight as well.</p><p>Things needed to change. I wish I could make that difference. But I can't. Even if I wanted to. And at this point I wasn't so sure I did. I just wanted to blend in. I just wanted to be like everyone else. Too bad I already knew that was not an option for me. As much as I wanted to deny it, I was different. Undeniably different. Fitting in was a definite impossibility for me.</p><p>The question is... Now what?</p>
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<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Masquerade</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Are you sure you don't need me to stay home with you tonight, sweetie?" Mom asked throwing her coat on.</p><p>"Yeah, I'll be fine. I probably just need some rest."</p><p>I turned to go back to my room. My intention was calling Konnor but almost as if he was reading my mind, my dad snatched the phone from my hands. "I'll be taking this as punishment for these little stunts you keep pulling. You will not be seeing Mr. Blackwood anymore. Understood?"</p><p>"What? No. I'm not agreeing to that, it's just stupid."</p><p>"Eric." My mother warns.</p><p>"I dont believe you have a choice. And just to make sure that you do not go behind my back again, give me your keys."</p><p>"You can't be serious."</p><p>"If you are too ill to attend services, you are too ill to be going anywhere anyways. Hand them over, Eric." I surrendered my keys and he shoved them in his pocket. "I also expect you to be studying the word here at home as you would be in service."</p><p>"Yes, sir." With that he shuffled my mother out the door without another word. No phone. No keys.</p><p>I did do what I was told. I went to my room and I read in the Bible. I opened it up and let the first page I opened guide my course of study for the night. The verse that first caught my attention was Matthew 23:13. "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the door of the kingdom of heaven in people's faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who you trying to."</p><p>Immediately my stomach twisted into knots. Hypocrites. Surely it just means false prophets, right? But what really is that?</p><p>I quickly go to google. What is hypocrisy?</p><p>Hypocrisy- Presenting ourselves as something that we know we're not.</p><p>That's it. It's me. I am no better than my dad. We both speak the truth. We both know the word. But deep down, something black lurks within our souls. Immediately I ran to the bathroom to vomit. This dark secret slowly rising to the surface was almost as if it was literally poison rushing through my body.</p><p>***</p><p>When I recovered again I decided to log in to my facebook. Curiosity got the best of me and I searched the name <br/>"K O N O R B L A C K W O O D".</p><p>Search.</p><p>The first profile to appear on the screen was a blonde haired, blue eyed boy. But that couldn't be him, could it? The boy in the picture was acually....smiling. A real, genuine, happy smile.</p><p>I scanned the profile, but most of his posts were on private.</p><p>Friend request sent.</p><p>Within just a few short minutes of sending the request, it was accepted. I scrolled through his "about" page. Nothing much was on there, but there was there was one thing that caught my attention.</p><p>"Lives in: Orangeburg County, South Carolina"</p><p>South Carolina? Was that a joke? I knew for a fact that Miss Janet never lived out of state.</p><p>I decided to scroll through some of his posts. The first thing I noticed was that in the last two months his posts seem to take on a downward spiral. Before that, he actually did seem happy. There were pictures of him smiling with friends and making faces in the camera. There was a light in his eyes that was so stunningly obvious.</p><p>The last couple months must really have been hard on him. No more smiling. No more silly faces or having a good time. No more pictures with friends... Maybe he didn't even have any. His most recent post caught my attention the most.</p><p>Sorry I couldn't be perfect.</p><p>That was a feeling I could relate to. He posted a note on his page from a week ago. I decided to briefly skim through it.</p><p>Fake. They're all fake. How could they not see it? Are they so blinded by tradition and doctrine they don't realize what's happening?....</p><p>...People are hurting. Family's are starving, children are going hungry, kids are battling suicide, and mothers are struggling with addiction but all they care about it is how a few curse words and some rock songs will send me straight to hell...</p><p>...Do they even understand the words they highlight in their brand new engraved leather bibles?...</p><p>...I may be a lot of things. But a fake is not one of them. Judge away, hypocrites. I'm glad I could give you a taste of what it's like outside that little glass box of yours.</p><p>It hit me hard. Fake. He said we were all fake. That means me. So could he see it? Could he see that filthy little secret...</p><p>I jumped up and ran back to the bathroom. Poison. Unfortunately, the poison inside my soul just wouldn't leave my body quite that easily.</p><p>A twinge of guilt stabbed me in the chest just thinking about his note. He's right. He's exactly right. If someone asked me what was really going on with any one person at that church, I wouldn't know what to tell them. That would change.</p><p>I can't change the world, or religion, or even one single church in a week, but I can change me. And maybe I can change someone else. And who knows where that might lead.</p><p>***</p><p>Konnor sat in his room scrolling through the posts on Eric's Facebook. It wasn't surprising that most of it had to do with church functions or Christian quotes.</p><p>Normally it was easy for him to see through people like that, but Eric was different. He wasn't exactly fake but he wasn't completely not either. He was genuine. But he was also covering something up.</p><p>In more ways than one he pitied Eric. His whole life had been planned for him, probably before he was even born. He didn't get to make much of his own decisions. That was pretty obvious. Yeah he had tons of friends, but were they friends with the real Eric or the pre-made Eric?</p><p>"Konnor!" His mom called from the other room.</p><p>"What?!" He called back.</p><p>"Are you coming to church tonight?" What's the point? Eric was the only one who didn't want to shove him right out the door anyways. He would just cause drama.</p><p>"No."</p><p>"You're not even coming after all that yelling at me to go this morning?"</p><p>"I'm not the one with something to prove." She couldn't disagree with that.</p><p>It was a condition she agreed to. His grandparents would help pay rent only of she agreed to a few terms and conditions. One of them was to attend services with them regularly. They didn't care if he came along or not. They probably preferred the later. He was dead to them anyways.</p><p>He looked down at his wrists. Scars. "Battle wounds" as he liked to put it. Permanent tattoos of how strong he really was etched deep into his skin, each one representing a story that would never be told. Mostly because no one would ever care enough to ask.</p><p>***</p><p>Lacey walked into the door of the church as she had a thousand times before. She found her seat with the rest of the youth and pulled out her leather bible and her zebra printed notebook to take notes.</p><p>She was prepared when Pastor Dodson began to preach. "Everyone turn in your bibles to Ephesians chapter 5." She did exactly that.</p><p>"We will be reading in verse 5 today. 'For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous, has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God.'" He takes a minute to let the congregation soak in the words.</p><p>For her, it takes no time at all. Something shifted inside of her. Every word he spoke from then on out cut like a knife. "God literally says that the act of sex is two people becoming one. If one has committed this sin against their own body, they have also sinned against their partner."</p><p>She waited until the moment was a little less obvious and she slipped right out the back door. She threw her bible and her notebook onto the passenger seat and rested her head against the steering wheel. The tears streamed down her cheeks and her stomach twisted into knots. The red place marker stuck inside her bible caught her attention.</p><p>The verse highlighted was Ephesians 2:8. "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God." She sat there hugging her bible with tears still falling. Maybe God had forgiven her, but she would never be truly pure again. She would never be good enough for a pure, Christian husband. Especially not one who was destined to be a pastor someday.</p><p>She did not deserve him.</p><p>***</p><p>Pastor Dodson dismissed the congregation and stepped down from the pulpit. "Wonderful sermon today, pastor," said misses Walsh. He only nodded in response.</p><p>One by one the people came to shake hands or give their praise. He made his way all the way to the very back pew where the Moore's were. "Good evening Miss Janet, where is that boy of yours tonight?"</p><p>"Oh... he just d-didn't feel like coming tonight, I.. I'm not s.. sure.. I'm sure he'll be back soon."</p><p>"Well be sure to tell him we missed him tonight."</p><p>"I will, pastor, thank you." She shook as she spoke and she stuttered through simple sentences. The effects of drugs will do that to a person. Even someone who used to be beautiful and intelligent like Miss Janet. Pity.</p><p>Lacey Nelson slipped back in through the side door to join her family, pretending that nothing had happened. She didn't think he noticed her sneaking away during his sermon, but he did. Obviously there's only one reason a teenager would walk out during a sermon like that.</p><p>She could've been so good for Eric. Maybe not so much now. "Evening, Brother," he addressed Mr. Nelson.</p><p>"Evening," he replied, "I've been meaning to talk to you. It seems our children are getting a lot closer lately."</p><p>"It would appear so."</p><p>"I just wanted to thank you for raising such a godly young man and for being so welcoming to my Lacey. I think the two of them could be great for each other."</p><p>"We shall see." He smiled that beautiful charming smile he was taught from the time he was a small child. He could get away with murder with that smile, and he knew it.</p><p>"Darling," he reached for his wife's arm. She took it without question.</p><p>***</p><p>Eric's mother walked with her head down. She did not feel like dealing with anyone today. Her head was pounding. "Misses Dodson!" Someone cried.</p><p>She choked down the bitter taste of resentment and forced a smile instead. "Hello Misses Camp! How are you? How did that recipe I gave you turn out?"</p><p>"Oh just simply perfect! Thank you again for lending it to me. I was wondering if we could get together sometime this week."</p><p>I have enough of my own problems to worry about, she thought. But all she said was, "Of course! Give me a call and let me know when you had in mind. I'd be happy to."</p><p>She kept her head down yet again until she reached her. "Hello, Miss Janet."</p><p>"Hello Misses Dodson."</p><p>***</p><p>Janet Moore eagerly collected her things and practically ran back to her car. She was anxious to get away from her parents and out of that place. She desperately craved a cigarette.</p><p>Actually that wasn't what she craved at all. She craved her fix. She shook just thinking of it. As soon as she was a decent way from the parking lot she lit a cigarette and began inhaling one deadly fume after another. One. Two. And three.</p><p>But it didn't even take the edge off the real craving. Perhaps some of the alcohol in the fridge might at least keep her numb enough to not think about it so much.</p><p>You don't need it, she tried to convince herself. Your son needs you, she pleaded. The inner battle had begun just as it did so very often.</p>
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<a name="section0016"><h2>16. The Art Of Disguise</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I was already sleeping by the time my parents arrived home from church. My dad barged in to my room and ripped the blanket right off of me scaring me half to death. My mom trailed close behind him looking visibly upset. "Jesus, dad!"</p><p>"I am not even going to harp on the fact that you have just used the Lord's name in vain, we have bigger things to discuss. Get up. Now."</p><p>"What did I do now?"</p><p>"I do not appreciate this new attitude of yours. God have mercy on my son and spare my family from your mighty wrath."</p><p>A million and one things were running through my head. I felt like I was being flat out attacked lately. "Dad I didn't do anything!"</p><p>"I just got home from a church service in which the good Lord had placed a message of sexual immorality on my heart. You know very well that I have been blessed with the gift of discernment. You're girlfriend was clearly guilty."</p><p>It took a good few moments to process this accusation in my still half asleep brain. When I finally understood what he was implying, I was shocked. Did he really think I had been with Lacey in that way?</p><p>"I swear, Dad, I haven't done anything!"</p><p>My mom whimpered softly in the corner not saying a word. "So help me God I will have you enrolled in military school tomorrow. I have had enough of your attitude and I will not tolerate this behavior anymore."</p><p>"What, you mean making a new friend that everyone happens to hate for some irrational reason, or taking a girl out and acting like the perfect gentleman you and mom always taught me to be and then still  having to defend myself against you and your paranoid accusations because you, for some unknown reason, don't trust me?"</p><p>"May God have mercy on your soul!" He snapped.</p><p>"You're crazy."</p><p>His face twisted into a look of pure rage. I had never before been afraid of my father, but in that one moment I was terrified. My mom moved closer in a desperate attempt to keep the peace. "Eric, baby, please-"</p><p>"Get out!" My dad screamed. I had never heard him treat her like that, but what surprised me the most was not the fact that my dad yelled at her. The thing that surprised me most was that she actually listened. She dropped her head towards the floor and she left me to fend for myself.</p><p>For the second time, my world came crashing down around me.</p><p>As soon as she had left the room, he grabbed me by the arm and ripped me from the bed. The eyes I came face to face with were cold and detached. "As God is my witness," he hissed, "if you ever speak to me like that again, I promise you there will be hell to pay. I highly suggest you get down on your knees and you pray for forgiveness, and after you do that, I want a thousand word essay on honoring thy father and thy mother. Do you understand?"</p><p>"Yes, sir." He released his grip on my arm and casually exited the room like nothing had ever happened. What I did not understand was why he even bothered to include "mother".</p><p>***</p><p>Konnor Blackwood, now tainted with the smell of vodka and cheap beer, sat alone in his bedroom surrounded by darkness. Nothing made sense anymore. Where do you go when the one place that's supposed to be "safe" is the very opposite and the place that's supposed to be a living hell is the only thing that's bearable?</p><p>He was pulled from his own personal lament when that sound of a key turning in the door caught his attention. "W-Who's t-t-ttthere?" His mom should've been home hours ago.</p><p>"Konnor?" It was his grandfather. Shit.  He struggled to pull himself up off the cold floor and into the living room. He didn't say a word. "Your mothers at our place. I just thought you should know. She showed up at the door scratching her face off and-" he paused analyzing his blood shot eyes and breath that smelled like a brewery. "Jesus, Konnor. Are you drunk?"</p><p>He still said nothing. There wasn't anything he could say to make any of this go away. "I swear... you are just like your mother."</p><p>His grandfather grabbed a stack of mail and then turned back to the door. Something was boiled inside of Konnor. Something dark and something angry. He reached out and grabbed him by the arm "Do not ever say that to me again!"</p><p>"Well look at you! Nothing but trouble since the day you were born. We tried to raise you better. We tried to turn you into something she never could, but you still-"</p><p>Konnor reached for one of the many empty beer bottles on the table and send it crashing into the wall sending slices of glass flying into both of them." There is not a bone of that bitch in my body!"</p><p>"Get out. You can't be here anymore."</p><p>"This is my house! You can't just come in here and tell me what to do!"</p><p>"Who pays the bills around here? Who took out mortgages for you and your mother to be able to stay in this dump? Huh? We have given you both chance after chance and nothing has changed. Now get out, NOW!"</p><p>"Fine! But don't expect me to take care of her anymore! She's all yours now. Have fun." He grabbed his hoodie and slammed the door shut behind him.</p><p>***</p><p>Lacey sat in her room with her door shut trying to get hold of Eric. She needed to talk to him after this morning. Maybe he could make her feel better.</p><p>Suddenly there was a knock at the door. "Lacey! Can I come in?"</p><p>"No." It was her brother. She didn't feel like dealing with him right now.</p><p>"Well, too bad. I'm coming in anyway." He opened the door and sat down on her bed. "What was with your earlier? Did something happen?"</p><p>"I don't wanna talk about it, Trey." She tries desperately to fight back the tears that were stinging her eyes. No one knew about her past and she planned to keep it that way. If they knew, they would never see her the same again.</p><p>Trey took a breath and started to say something, but then he stopped. "I think I know what's going on. Actually I'm pretty sure the whole church does now. But if you wanna talk I'm here. I know I'm your super protective big brother and all, but I promise you I won't judge you. Whatever you've done, it can't be worse than some of the things that I've done."</p><p>She let a tear stream down her cheek at the realization that he was absolutely right. The whole church probably knew exactly what was on her mind now and it was all her fault. If she could've just tuned everything out, everything would be normal. But now she wasn't sure if she could ever show her face there again.</p><p>"How do you do it," she asked. "How do you not let it bother you when you know you're guilty of what they say is so wrong?"</p><p>He shrugged. "I guess I stopped caring a long time ago. I know I should care more, but I just don't."</p><p>"You don't care if something is wrong or not? Are you just trying to go to hell?"</p><p>Trey laughed. "No, I don't care what they say because everything I've done has been forgiven already. I'm not going to hell. And neither are you. Just ask for forgiveness. No, it won't make it go away, but you'll be forgiven, and if you've already been forgiven by God, than who even cares about anyone else? Besides, even if they know what happened, what right do they have to judge you? It's not like they're perfect."</p><p>"What if the person that you're worried about disappointing the most is?"</p><p>"No one is."</p><p>"Well Eric is pretty close."</p><p>"Trust me, sis. He has his secrets too. And they're probably worse than yours. The ones that seem like they have everything together, are usually the ones with the most to hide. They've just mastered the art of disguise."</p><p>What if he was right? And if he was, did that make things better, or worse?</p>
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<a name="section0017"><h2>17. The Truth</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I don't need to be here, Mom." I sat in the doctor's office like a child waiting to be treated for the flu. But deep down, I knew that this was much more serious than that. A trivial thing like the flu could never compare to the poison infecting my entire body.</p><p>My hands started to sweat as my heart started racing. "Yes, you do. You fainted at youth group and you've looked terrible for the last week. I am at least getting you checked out."</p><p>"Fine.  But I'm telling you there is nothing wrong with me. It's just my nerves."</p><p>She looked at me quizzically like the explanation was written somewhere within the dark bags under my eyes or the premature wrinkles on my forehead. "Is there something you need to talk about, Eric?"</p><p>The answer was yes. Yes, there was so much I wanted to tell her. There was a multitude of things I wanted to say and a billion questions I needed answers to, but I couldn't tell her any of it. If things got back to Dad, it would blow out of proportion. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs for help or at least some comfort. There was something inside me eating me alive from the inside out and it was finally started to manifest itself in a physical manor.</p><p>"No, mom," I assured her. There was no point in making her worry about things she could never do anything about. "I'm fine."</p><p>Fine. Yes, everything is fine. The world is fine. My life Is fine. That's all she wants to hear anyway.</p><p>"Well, I have some things I would like to talk to you about."</p><p>All I wanted to do was run away. It sounds ridiculous to feel the need to run away from your own mother who's been nothing but supportive of you your entire life. But I just didn't feel safe anymore. "Okay. What's up?"</p><p>"Well," she started hesitantly. Somehow I knew that this conversation would be one I didn't like. "I know that your father has already expressed his concern, but I wanted to ask you myself in a  more comfortable environment." She took a deep breath before continuing.</p><p>"You know your father spoke about sexual immorality in church yesterday evening. Well, at some point Lacey got  up and walked out. She seemed very upset and we thought that maybe you..-"</p><p>"Whoa. No. Mom. I already told you, we haven't done anything."</p><p>I could tell she didn't believe me. "If anything did happen... I mean anything. You can tell me. It's okay. Maybe if you had, it might explain some of what's going on with you."</p><p>"I'm sorry to disappoint you, but this isn't that. I never touched her. I swear. We've kissed only a handful of times and that is all I've ever done. Are you satisfied now?"</p><p>She opened her mouth to say something, but was cut off when the doctor walked it. I've never been more relived to see a doctor in my entire life.</p><p>Thank you, Dr. Thompson.</p><p>"Well. You do not have the flu. I can write you a prescription for an antibiotic and an excuse from school, but I recommend focusing on getting lots of fluids and rest."</p><p>That figures.</p><p>***</p><p>The ride home was just as awkward as the doctor's office. "Eric," mom started, "are you depressed?"</p><p>What a question. I honesty didn't expect that. "Uhmm. I'm not sure how to answer that?"</p><p>"It just seems like you've been a little sad lately."</p><p>Hmm, maybe because every time I open my mouth I get in trouble for some random thing I wasn't even aware was a problem and every time I try to make a friend, I get punished with essays left and right. "Nope. I'm perfect."</p><p>That is what you want me to be, isn't it?</p><p>"I'm worried about you."</p><p>Then maybe you should protect me! Maybe you shouldn't have just left me there with him to fend for myself! Maybe you should be here for me instead of sitting by while I get attacked for every single thing I do!</p><p>I fought back the tears stinging my eyes. I felt like I was suffocating. And the worst part was no one even knew it.</p><p>"I can get you help if you need it, Eric. There's no shame is needing help. A friend of mine was just telling me about this great Christian counselor-"</p><p>"No!" It came out a lot more panicked than I intended it to. "I mean... no thanks. I'm fine. I'm just a little lonely lately."</p><p>I could tell she started to feel a little uncomfortable herself. "Well, I'm here for you. I just want you to know that. I love you, Eric."</p><p>"I love you too, Mom."</p><p>***</p><p>By Wednesday I was feeling a little better. I decided not to get to the church early with Mom and Dad. I stayed home a little later waiting for it to be time for youth band. When I walked in, almost everybody was there already and the air was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Something wasn't right. The whole atmosphere was dark and eerie.</p><p>"Hey, guys... what's going on?"</p><p>Lacey ran up to me and  gave me a hug. "Hey, Eric. I missed you. I've been trying to call you."</p><p>"My dad took my phone. What's wrong?"</p><p>She grabbed my hand and lead me out into the hallway. My stomach dropped. Something was very, very wrong.</p><p>"Lacey," I begged, "please tell me what is happening."</p><p>She leaned against me for comfort. "Konnor's missing."</p><p>"What?! What do you mean he's missing? What happened?"</p><p>"I don't know. He hasn't been in school all week. His mom filed a missing person's report on him this morning."</p><p>My heart felt like it was free falling off a cliff. I saw something like this coming. I should've done more.</p><p>At first I felt guilt. The guilt turned into sadness. I did miss him. He was the only one in my life that I could just be myself around. Behind the sadness, came a wave of anger. He just wanted to survive. All he wanted to sit in church with his mother and feel safe and we couldn't even give that to him. We failed him. All of us.</p><p>I turned to run out of the room. "Eric! Where are you going?!" Lacey cried after me.</p><p>"I'm sorry. I have to go."</p><p>I let the door slam behind me and I ran faster than I have in my entire life. My dad walked past me in the hallway. "Eric, where do you think you're going?"</p><p>I didn't answer him. I kept running fighting back all the emotions surging through me threatening every fiber in my body, threatening to ruin everything. "Eric Isaiah!"</p><p>"No!" I yelled back before bolting out of the exit. "I'm done!"</p><p>I jumped in my car and sped away. Konnor was the only thing on my mind. I drove out into the middle of the middle of nowhere and parked the car. I jumped out and took off running through the woods. "Konnor!" I called.</p><p>"Konnor!" I called again. I ran faster and faster until I realized I didn't know where I was anymore. I didn't stop. I didn't care. "KONNOR!" I started running out of breath, but I refused to give up.</p><p>Come on, Eric! Where was it?!</p><p>I ran more until I heard a faint sound of trickling water. Suddenly I found a break in the trees. I pushed my way through and found myself on the top of a hill.</p><p>And there, sitting beside a bush with his legs hanging over the side, was a dark figure with a black hoodie and blonde hair. "Konnor."</p><p>He slowly turned around and looked at me. "What are you doing here?"</p><p>"I heard that you were missing... are you okay? I thought you might be here... I mean, I know that you said... I'm sorry. Are you okay? What happened?"</p><p>"I never should've showed you this place." Ouch.</p><p>I took a few steps closer. He threw his black hood over his face. "Konnor... I just wanted to make sure you were okay."</p><p>"Well I'm fine. Happy?"</p><p>I sat down beside him and said nothing for a few minutes. I didn't know what to say. "That's how I know you're not."</p><p>"Why do you care?"</p><p>Why did I? I stared off into the distance and took in the fresh air. It really was therapeutic. "Why wouldn't I? We're friends, right?"</p><p>"Please. You don't wanna be friends with me. You just wanna feel like you saved me to clear your own conscience. Well I don't wanna be saved. Okay? So just leave."</p><p>I was genuinely hurt. Maybe he was right. Maybe that is why I was so set on befriending the outcast. Maybe some part of me thought that I could change him or make him fit in and we'd all live happily every after and I could redeem myself from this thing that's been slowly killing me because at least I would've done one good thing to be proud of, and maybe that would be enough.</p><p>But it wouldn't be. Nothing ever could be enough.</p><p>"Konnor, I... I know that things kind of suck right now. But I really am your friend. I don't hang out with you because I have to or I feel like I need to. Maybe at first, but not now. I like hanging out with you. I'm sorry if you find me annoying or pushy or anything else, but that's not my intention. It never was. I'm sorry."</p><p>He put his head against his knees so I couldn't see his face at all anymore. He sat in silence. We both sat there not saying a word.</p><p>Finally, I broke the silence. "I don't care about your past. I don't care what you've done. There was a point when I did and I would've given anything to find out why you disappeared for so long, but not anymore. I don't know why everybody seems so afraid of you, but I don't care. So what? You got into some fights in school or pulled a few pranks?"</p><p>He started laughing into his jeans. "What," I asked, "what's so funny? I'm trying to tell you that whatever it is you did doesn't matter anymore and I-"</p><p>He picked his head up and looked at me with a tear stained face. "Do you really think that's what this is about?" He was half yelling and half laughing. He wiped the tears from his eyes with his black, fingerless gloves. "That's what they told you? I got into fights?"</p><p>"Uhm... kind of. I mean, at least that's what I got from it."</p><p>"Did anyone ever tell you why I got into a lot of fights?"</p><p>I felt ashamed for even believing that he was so evil without even a backstory to prove it. "No. Not really."</p><p>"It was self defense, Eric. I had to learn to fight to survive."</p><p>I thought about all I had heard about Konnor. Was it all just fabricated to make him look like the bad guy? Was he the victim all along? "I don't understand. Why would everybody hate you that much if it wasn't even your fault to begin with? Surely not everybody thinks it was all your fault if it really wasn't."</p><p>"Damn it, Eric!" He started laughing again with more tears falling from his crystal blue eyes. "Can you just think with your own head for like a minute?!" I didn't know what to say. I had no idea what to think.</p><p>"Jesus," he snickered. "They really have brain washed you."</p><p>"Whatever. You obviously don't want my help. If you're just gonna laugh at me for trying, I'm gonna go."</p><p>I stood up and started to walk away. Just before I was out of sight, he called after me. "Eric, wait."</p><p>I hesitated  for a minute and then walked back over to him. He was standing now. His hoodie had fallen off of his head and his blonde hair fell on his face which was now bright red and soaked in fresh tears. "They don't hate me because I 'got into fights', okay?" He paused, staring into my eyes. "They hate me because I'm gay."</p>
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<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Facing The Facts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The whole world shifted beneath my feet. I felt like I couldn't breathe. That couldn't be true, could it? It didn't make any sense. He put his hands in front of his face and took in a few breaths. "It's okay if you don't wanna hang out anymore. I'll understand. I know it's a lot to handle for someone like you."</p><p>"Someone like me?" I asked. "What do you mean 'someone like me'?"</p><p>He turned his back to me as if he was too embarrassed to even look at me anymore. "You're sheltered. You're too good for someone like me. You don't understand it and I know that you don't. You don't get that I can't help who I am and you also probably think that me admitting it to the world is like a one way ticket straight to hell.</p><p>"Maybe it is. But I refuse to hide myself. I'm not gonna pretend to be something that I'm not just to try to fit in and if people can't accept that, then I don't want them in my life anyway. It's not a disease. It's not a choice. And it's not contagious."</p><p>The realization hit me hard. Part of me wondered if my dad did already know. Rage filled inside me for all this time making me believe he was some crazy, dangerous, psychopath. Konnor was right, I didn't understand it. "What about Lacey, and Mindy Caldwell?"</p><p>He showed himself to laugh just a little. "There was a long time where I tried to fight it. I didn't wanna believe that it was real. I tried to tell myself that I was just paranoid or that it was a phase. Then I thought that if I could just be with a girl... that maybe it would fix me. But after Mindy I was pretty sure that it wasn't going away.</p><p>"I kept it a secret for a long time even after that. I struggled with it myself. Believe it or not, I wasn't always like this. I tried. I actually did try to fit in and more than anything I just wanted to be normal. My reality isn't like yours. I had to grow up overnight and I guess I just gave up. All the sins and all the lies and the secrets just got to me. I decided that if I could never be perfect, I might as well be happy."</p><p>I sat down beside the bush where I found him. It was a lot for me to process. I had a million things I wanted to say and a thousand questions I wanted to ask him, but for some reason, nothing came to me. "Are you happy?"</p><p>He hung his head and sat beside me. "No."</p><p>I thought about the smiling blue eyed boy I saw on his Facebook. I thought about all the friends that surrounded him and the light in his eyes that were now so dull and grey. "Do you ever wish you weren't? Gay I mean?"</p><p>"That's a very complicated question."</p><p>"Okay, so... I have kind of a weird question."</p><p>He stretched out and laid down in the grass. At that moment he looked more content that I think I'd ever seen him. "Okay. Shoot."</p><p>The sun had started going down in the distance. It gave his pale skin a sort of orange glow and his eyes started to glow and sparkle. "I saw on your Facebook that you used to live in South Carolina. Is that where you disappeared to?"</p><p>He laughed and I could tell he was starting to relax around me. "Yes, Eric. That's where I went. I'm sorry to disappoint you but I didn't actually commit a crime or shoot up a school. I also didn't get locked in psych."</p><p>"That actually is a little disappointed I'm not gonna lie."</p><p>We laughed together and I laid down beside him. The grass was cool against my skin and I felt more at home than I had in a long time. "If you didn't get in trouble," I asked, "why did you leave?"</p><p>"My mom got in trouble. We got evicted and she lost her job. She needed help that I couldn't give her anymore. I didn't have anybody else here. I didn't really have friends. I've never met my dad, or, well, even know he is for that matter. My grandparents made it pretty clear that I was dead to them when I told them I liked guys. So they sent me away. I went to live with distant relatives, my cousin Jess and her husband Scott, in Orangeburg and I had the time of my life."</p><p>"Do you miss it?"</p><p>"Everyday."</p><p>"Why'd you come back?"</p><p>He shrugged. "My mom needed me."</p><p>Finally the pieces of the puzzle slowly started coming together. "Why did you run away then?"</p><p>"I didn't run away. My grandfather told me to leave."</p><p>"How could he do that? It's not even his house."</p><p>"Actually it is. He pays most of the rent. Mom had to agree to certain things for him to do it and up until a few days ago she'd been doing pretty well. She fell off the wagon again Sunday night. I knew she had when she didn't come home after church like she was supposed to. Instead Grandpa came over hours later to get some mail and let me know she showed up at their place. He could tell I had been drinking and he flipped- told me that I'm just like her and told me to leave."</p><p>It was hard hearing everything he had gone through after everything I had heard about him. Here he was all along just struggling to survive, and instead of helping we labeled him as the enemy and put a target on his back. "That's not right. You're still a minor, you know. You could press charges."</p><p>"Trust me, by tomorrow they'll be begging me to come back because Mom will be driving them up the wall. They won't wanna deal with her. Especially when she crashes."</p><p>We both laid there in the grass for what seemed like forever watching the sun go down. "You really should go," he said, "your dad will be looking for you soon."</p><p>"I don't care."</p><p>"Look, I don't wanna be the reason you get in trouble."</p><p>"No. Seriously, it's okay. I've never seen this side of him before. It's like as soon as you showed up a switch was flipped. You know? It's almost like he's threatened by you."</p><p>He covered his face with his hands and let out a chuckle. I couldn't even believe this was real. Everything seemed so strange. "Why would your father, the great almighty Pastor Dodson, be threatened by me?"</p><p>I laughed. "I haven't quite figured that out myself. But it is weird."</p><p>"Could it be possible that it's always been this way and you're only now starting to see it?"</p><p>"No," I said without hesitation. "No. This is my whole life. Something's definitely different."</p><p>"Okay," he said a little too dryly for my taste. "If you say so."</p><p>Is it possible that he could be right? Could my dad have really been like this my entire life and I never even noticed because it never affected me? If he could treat Konnor like this without even a second thought, could he just as easily treat me this way if I dared to step outside of his perfect box?</p><p>Suddenly my stomach turned and my chest got tight. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I sat up and grabbed my chest. My breathing became heavy and deep. "Hey, are you okay?" </p><p>"No!" I cried. I was absolutely not okay. </p><p>***</p><p>When I got back into my car, I drove and I drove and I didn't stop. I didn't care where I went or who would be waiting for me when I got back. Tears streamed down my face. Everything was hitting me all at once. How could I have not seen it before? </p><p>Everything I am is a lie. Everything I know is nothing but an illusion. </p><p>I didn't want to go home. Anywhere but there. </p><p>Where do you go to hide from the world? Where can you run when you're being bound in chains? </p><p>This isn't right. None of it is right. How can I keep going like this? How long can I keep lying to everyone? How long until my own secrets come out? How long until they explode in my face? When will they see me as I see me- like the hypocrite I am? </p><p>I'm nothing but a smoke screen. Will I be the one to crumble the castle? </p><p>One thing is for sure. I will not be an accomplice anymore. I am not my father and I don't want his throne. I swear, I will fix this broken house of cards even if it kills me... or I'll burn it all to the ground and watch as it goes down in flames.</p>
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